how am i going to do this?

Posted on | July 29, 2010 | 30 Comments

ok. this isn’t another blogher post. i mean, not in the way that it’s about blogher. but it is about me leaving for blogher. we’ve covered the fact that i’m afraid of flying. we’ve covered the fact that i’m nervous to meet people. but the thing i just can’t fathom doing? the thing that makes my stomach lurch and my mouth water (you know how right before you throw up you get all saliva-y? THAT) is leaving my little monster.

every saturday we drop Harper off at my moms house in the evening and pick her up the next day. this is easy for me. we’ve been doing it for so long that it’s not hard for me anymore. i still think of my nugget, miss her and get super excited to pick her up, but it’s not hard. she is never further than 10 minutes away. thinking of being on the other side of the country for 6 days without her? is hard. the thought of it makes my heart hurt in a way i can’t explain.

the most obvious fact of me being a stay at home mom is that i am with H all. the. time. even though when Scot gets home we share the parenting responsibilities equally, i am with her 24/6 (’cause you know, that time at GG’s). she is my nugget, my best buddy, my right hand gal. i know her better than anybody and it’s safe to say if she could talk, she’d be able to telly you things about me even Scot doesn’t know (like how i sometimes steal morningstar chicken nuggets off her plate if she isn’t going to eat them). i have no problem saying that being Harper’s mom defines me. i am many other things, but her mom? is my thing. i love it more than anything and it’s been 20 months and counting that i really haven’t been anything else. i’m not sure i know how to go to the big city and not be her mom (obviously i will still be her mom, but you get me. at least i hope). will i be ok without her taking up room in my arms, without kissing her fat cheeks each night, without talking in my mom voice all day? will i be ok gallivanting around with my hair done, make up on and no sign of mushed crackers on any article of my clothing? will i be ok not having a single sippy cup, pack of wipes or binky on my person at all times?

will i be ok?

it goes without saying that she will be fine. she may not really even understand i’m gone. maybe she will, but most likely she won’t. she will be having so much fun with her daddy, and her grandmas, that she may not even notice her mommy is MIA. i’m not worried about her. i’m worried how i am going to kiss her goodbye, walk to the plane and voluntarily fly away from her and Scot.

as the day gets closer (hello, ONE week), i find myself getting worse and worse. tearing up, feeling sick to my tummy – please tell me this is normal? at least normal for a first time mom leaving her first born for the first time ever? i asked Harper and she was helpful, but i need reassurance from people who don’t poop in their pants.

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Category: BLOGHER, certifiable, confessions, family, feelin' blue, firsts, grandparents, nugget, the haps

BlogHer – it’s happening.

Posted on | July 26, 2010 | 25 Comments

i know. everyone is doing a “zomg it’s almost BlogHer” post. but it’s my first year and the reason i’m going is YOU so here i am to properly freak out about it. a week from this thursday i will board a plane (sufficiently drugged up, because flying and me are not bff’s) and travel to the big apple, where i know no one (ok maybe my cousin and a friend from high school, but otherwise NO ONE), but will be fully expected to act like i’m not scared or nervous or busting out of my pants from excitement.

but i am scared, nervous and busting out of my pants from excitement.

it’s been months and months since many of my readers made this totally insane bloggy dream of mine a reality. i had time to prepare. it was so far away. but now? now it’s here and my mind is overflowing with thoughts and feelings and visions of doing something so embarrassing that i will be forced to ban myself from ever going again. i get a little fluttery/harfy in my stomach at the thought of meeting people i’ve been inter-friends with for ages.

the good news is, my excitement for the event waaay outweighs those thoughts. i am going to room with 3 amazingly talented and funny and gorgeous women whom i LOVE (mae, jill and beth anne). i’m going to meet ladies whose blogs make my days brighter (like suzanne, jenna, morgan and allison). i will meet my twitter bff’s angie, kristy and of course the elusive NEXT MARTHA. and of course my bloggy heros like aunt becky and jenny (hopefully this part plays out like this BECAUSE NARWHALS).

i’ve been prepping for the conference by reading some BlogHer posts that offer insightful tips on how not to be a douche and get mugged, like this one from Mom 101 (please look at the purple chart – it kills me) and how not to be surprised if no one knows who the hell i am from Scary Mommy (not that i thought anyone would anywho). my business cards (if that is what you call them) are ready to go, and i have a list a mile long of what to pack. my travel size toiletries are purchased, heels broken in and party pants prepared.

it still doesn’t seem at all real. in fact it probably won’t until i’m in my hotel room looking at 3 ladies i adore and cheers-ing to our first year at BlogHer. then i will pinch myself, hard, and go hit the ground running. learn, meet, hug, make new friends i don’t even know yet. this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and i’m not going to let a little thing like fear hold me back. the wine should also help.

i want to thank everyone who made this freaking out possible: auntie and uncle bobby, hilary, susan, eliza, morgan, mya, katie and kevin, trina, kenny, kerri, gina, angela and mel, jen, krista, emily brandt, sarah, jasmine, jody and aliya. there really are NO WORDS. you guys are amazing and make my heart parts seriously sing. thank you from the bottom of my nerdy heart.

Category: BLOGHER, au jus serious?, extreme happiness, friends, stoked
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