i fart in Time’s general direction.

Posted on | March 18, 2010 | 47 Comments

hey Time? i’ve got a bone to pick with you.

remember when i was all pregnant and eating celery like it was going out of style and waddling around complaining about how it felt like a bowling ball was about to bust through my pelvic bone all chuck norris like and i kept begging you to go faster and you didn’t?

a plea for help.

and then how once i had Harper you pulled a nasty move and SPED UP? this is my open letter to you about how i don’t appreciate it. one day, which feels like yesterday (how do you DO that?), we brought home a wittle tiny one of these:

(my super sonic appologies to all the people who just felt their ovaries twitch – i know the fever is running RAMPANT on the interwebs these days)

well, Time, that was all good and dandy except now? now i don’t have that. now that little basket of rainbows walks, talks and laughs at me when i scold her. she has hair i can put in a ponytail (not ok, those are for real people, NOT babies) and eyelashes that make me think she totally sneaks my curler and mascara when i’m not looking. she sits in a swing and says “whee”, she flips through books while saying “slippy fib bye bye HAI, oh yukey bam bicycle” which absolutely means she can read and i don’t appreciate it, not one bit.

do you know what she does now, Time? let me tell you, since it’s your fault and all. when i put her down for a nap? she blows me kisses and says “byyyyye” as i close the door. and then? AND THEN? when i change her diaper post nap? she hands me her blankie and her binkie and says “bye” to them as i put them into her crib and tell her she’ll see them at night night time. i’m sorry, what? i’ve never met a newborn who can do that shiz. which means only one thing – you’re magic is working. you and your witch craft is WORKING.

NOT a newborn.

i seriously remember the day she was born like it was yesterday, but hello, it wasn’t. and if my calculations are correct with the way you’ve been working out so far, this means Harper will be telling me she hates me in about 6 months (sorry mom). she’ll be all “but i don’t WANNA drive grandmas old car, i want a NEW car because everyone will make FUN of meeeee” (again…sorry mom)(and kind of grandma, but let’s be real it was a chevy celebrity) and slamming her door and begging for her own line in her room (oh wait, this isn’t 1992…). SIGH.

what i mean is? Time? YOU ARE A COTTON HEADED NINNYMUGGIN. no one likes you. when we ask you to speed up, you say no (hello, have you ever heard of TGIF? jerk) and when we ask you to slow down you switch it up and take off with our babies. who peed in your chocolate cheerios? why must you mock us, Time?

it’s mean. so THERE.

love sharpening my knives,

mandy

and p.s.? don’t even get me started on daylight savings and children napping. you’re kind of an idiot.

post summary: Doc Brown was on to something.

Category: funny mom stuff, nugget, rediculously cute hats, SLOW DOWN KIDDO, the haps

Comments

  • http://irritableblogsyndrome.typepad.com Dayna

    Time is a beast.

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  • http://biggerbythebelly.blogspot.com Babe_Chilla

    AHAHAHA awesome. I was already panicking today about my baby growing up…you know, the one who is currently still living in my ute? Ya time. Big old eff to the u.

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  • http://www.kjellsandcheese.blogspot.com lena Kleven

    Damn you Time.

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  • http://themommarazziblog.blogspot.com Lindsay

    I concur. I have been very mad at Time lately.

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  • http://thefourthhouseontheleft.blogspot.com/ Meghan

    HAHAHA love this! and the pics are unbelievable. THe “Let me out” one has me cracking up. and those eyelashes!

    [Reply]

  • http://www.itsariddleslife.blogspot.com Lynn

    Can I just say Harper is a beautiful child? I have Weston (14 months) who wants to send a proposal now! Love your blog!

    And i hate time too.

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  • http://www.law-momma.com Law Momma

    Stupid time. I know just what you mean. And yeah… that newborn picture made me a little twitchy!

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  • http://look-at-the-birds.blogspot.com/ t.bird

    oh my- newborn photos….must.go.breed….zomg

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  • http://babymakesfour-tsands.blogspot.com/ Tiffany

    Just wait, you’ll wake up and she’s seven. My son decided he wants to TAKE SHOWERS now! And he doesn’t want me in the bathroom with him. Like, WHAT?!

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  • http://www.notmommyoftheyear.com Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year

    You have the uncanny ability to make me laugh, tear up & want to jump my husband in one post! I think that is virtual emotional abuse. Just sayin’.

    [Reply]

  • http://bliss04.blogspot.com/ Amy

    i love this post. and yes, my ovaries twitched a little, thanks.

    [Reply]

  • http://charminglychandler.blogspot.com/ Alena

    There is something wrong with my uterus.

    It was just carrying a baby seven months ago, but when I see super-wee baby pictures it wants more.

    [Reply]

  • http://bringingupbaby.tumblr.com Jess

    I just died at this post. Time is such a bitch! It is NEVER doing what I want it to do. It’s about time someone told Time off.

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  • http://baby-to-go.blogspot.com/ harmskills @ Baby To Go

    my son is ONE YEAR OLD TODAY! Talk about time flying!!!

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  • http://mama23bears.blogspot.com/ Stephanie

    this is my FAVORITE post in a LONG time from any blog! you absolutely hit the nail on the head! i couldn’t have said it any better myself. well, i can say it in my head and when it comes out it sounds like this, bndkfhdihrtirenc. this makes you a rockin’ blogger! LOVE IT

    [Reply]

  • http://dearcrissy.com Crissy

    Ah, it is REALLY frustrating how fast time moves after you’ve had a kiddo!

    [Reply]

  • http://wendrina.blogspot.com wendy

    Time is an ass.

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  • thenextmartha

    And what about taking a vacation with with kids and time zones? WTF is that? Why isn’t it just 8pm on the entire planet. Great post, really enjoyed it, though now I hate my clocks.

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  • Jill @ babyrabies

    You tell that a hole Father Time! Jerk. I’m going to have a 2 year old in, like, 2 seconds at this rate. (love this post!)

    [Reply]

  • Ashley

    Seriously- I blinked and my son is almost 6 months old. That being said, how does Harper feel about younger guys because she is ADORABLE. I think my son would love her! Ha!

    [Reply]

  • http://wonderbreadlife.blogspot.com/ Mrs. Wonder

    Those eyelashes! Yeah, I had one of those moments a few weeks ago.

    [Reply]

  • http://autumnwades.blogspot.com/ Autumn Baughn

    I would write a song (community style…if you don’t watch that I feel super dumb now) about time being a big ol’ B.
    Also, I love Doc Jensen- and LOST and all his crazy theories. But I love Sawyers abs more.

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  • http://www.adventuroo.com Melissa @adventuroo

    I LOVE that Let Me Out shot– heee! If I had only seen that a few weeks ago I would have copied you! I have a newborn and the three year old so I totally feel your pain– time flies! (found your site through Suzanne @pretty_swell. I’ll definitely be back!

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  • http://sarcastica.org Sarcastica

    LOVED this post…loved it.

    Adorable pictures! Harper is so cute!

    [Reply]

  • http://sullivanandsawyer.com courtney Lee

    Ok – I’m w/ you on the Chevy Celebrity thing. My dad bought me one when I was 16, and mine was a wagon so even better! I remember pulling in the driveway in the mom shiny new car and see the big ol’ gal in the driveway, as a spoiled 16 year old would think, I pretended not to see it – not sure how that was possible given the size of it!
    Time really does go so fast!

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  • http://prettyswell.wordpress.com/ Suzanne from pretty*swell

    Found myself nodding emphatically throughout this post. Seriously. Time can be a real asshead. BTW, your no-longer-a-baby is GORGEOUS. Just gorgeous!

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  • http://www.mmmmaryjane.wordpress.com alissa

    its like you write my thoughts, only WAY wittier. and smarter.

    [Reply]

  • Kelly

    Argh…just clicked through to this link; I have the same complaint AND you made my ovaries twitch. tick tick tick.

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  • http://designsbyvanessa.blogspot.com Vanessa

    Great post! Love that first picture lol!

    [Reply]

  • http://www.postcardsfromparenthood.com Eliza

    When aren’t your posts fabulous!?!?! Seriously, though…what is it with time? It just whizzes on by, but takes forever to wait for summer, vacation, or when my husband is bringing home ice cream!

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  • Kelly

    I love the Harper sentence you typed out, so funny! My brother rocked a Chevy Celebrity, too. :) And yes, time is just mean when you have kiddos.

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  • http://mommyandlu.wordpress.com Karen

    Thanks for making me laugh after an hour of non stop carseat wailing while daydreaming of those sweet days when my baby girl feel asleep when I turned on the engine!

    [Reply]

  • http://www.postcardsfromparenthood.com Eliza

    Um, yeah..this is my second comment on this post because I just saw that I am listed on your blog roll! zomg, I just peed myself!!!! (damn kegels)

    Thanks Mandy, you’re a doll!!!

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  • http://www.littlemissrylee.blogspot.com Katherine

    You’re on to something here…by the way, you’re right, your daughter is super cute. Love the blog!

    [Reply]

  • http://megiam.wordpress.com/ Meg

    Wait till your little tiny baby turns twelve fucking years old like mine had the nerve to do 2 weeks ago. Don’t blink!!!

    [Reply]

  • http://www.lovemaegan.com …love Maegan

    OMGSOCUTE!!!

    …and that amazing little pug kissing video below is your kid?!?! Sso cute.

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  • http://jimaiemarie.blogspot.com Jimaie

    time needs to get a hobby and get the heck off our backs. for serious.

    [Reply]

  • http://josiahsnest.com Moriah

    seriously loved this post. thank you so much.

    http://josiahsnest.com

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  • http://jennyonthespot.com jennyonthespot

    Tho thweet <3

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  • http://laforetenchantee.wordpress.com/ emilie

    agreed. time’s a .. well.. you know, right !

    [Reply]

  • amber

    in love with this.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/bootstrapsbella Abask Mktg

    Ugh, if I could put time in a paper bag and beat it with a stick I would. And then I'd set it on fire and leave it on Ole Man Johnson's stoop. Except time did away with flaming paper bags of stuff, stoops and Ole Man Johnson!!

    I'm in month 7 of pregnancy #1 and I'd gladly swap time with you. I want faster now, but I'll need that extra time back later.

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  • Delilah

    Just found your site … I love reading your blogs. I have a 2 year old so I can relate about how quickly time flies and this post made me smile! :) You have a beautiful little girl :)

    [Reply]

  • http://www.fire-grate.org Fire Grate 

    bowling balls are quite dangerous to the hands of a newbie and untrained bowling player`;,

    [Reply]

  • http://meandthegrub.com/ b harper

    this post made me laugh, sigh and tear up in one solid stream.
    b harper´s last [type] ..Cranberry Courage

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  • http://www.ourmaiasworld.blogspot.com Tamsin

    LOVED THIS POST! Sooo true….pregnancies just drag on and on…but babies grow so quickly, I can’t even remember those first few weeks of when my little girl was a newborn, it all just sped us by and in 2 more weeks she’ll be ONE…crazy huh?

    [Reply]

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=503500272 Sarah Ferrell

    I loved this and it’s so true!! You rock and so does your blog…it’s one of my favorites. Have a lovely day.

    [Reply]