{notes to harper}

Posted on | June 29, 2010 | 39 Comments

dear Harper,

the other night i had a hard time falling asleep. i was thinking of my upcoming trip in a few months and leaving you for the first time. the thought of it really makes my heart sad and gives me a big knot in my throat. i know you won’t even know i’m gone and you’ll be having so much fun with your daddy and both of your grandmas, but still it makes me anxious. it’s going to be much harder on me than you!

i was tossing and turning, unable to sleep when you cried out over the monitor. you do this a few times a night, and always quickly put yourself back to sleep (most of the time i swear you’re not even awake), but this time i welcomed the excuse to get up and see you. i came into your room and scooped you up, along with your blankie and binkie (both of which you pronounce the same :]), pressed play on the cd player and sat down in the rocking chair.

as i listened to the lulabies play, i thought about how little you used to be. this cd has been in the player since you very first started sleeping in your own room. as we rocked i noticed you now stretch from my knees all the way up to my shoulder. i held you tightly and stroked your hair, which has grown so long into tiny curls in the back. you were clutching your blankie and i could feel you sucking your pacifier against my shoulder. we sat, we rocked, i cried. time goes so quickly and everyone tells you that but it is never as clear as it is now. soon years will have passed and you will no longer fit on my lap, let alone my chest. you will not be interested in such things as cuddling with your mom, so i cherish these moments whenever they present themselves, and always have. if time could be bottled, i’d use it on the time spent with you in that chair, just the two of us in the dark rocking.

after about 20 minutes i knew you were back to sleep. i wiped my face, squeezed you tight and told you i loved you.

a tiny, sleepy voice said back “luh you”.

you won’t remember this moment, but i always, always will.

love,

mommy

Category: extreme happiness, notes to harper, nugget, SLOW DOWN KIDDO

Comments

  • http://www.twitter.com/katbrad Kat

    Girlfriend this just made me cry. Honestly, I still need to cuddle my mom on occasion. I WISH I could fit in her lap because sometimes I just can't get close enough to her when I'm feeling that way.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/BarelyMommy BarelyMommy

    Mandy, this is so sweet. I hope, when Harper gets older, you print out your posts like this and give them to her at her wedding or something. This made me cry. My kiddo's growing so big and sometimes I miss my little bitty baby. But, I guess it's a fair trade, size for "i yuh yuh".

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go snuggle with my lil' dude.

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  • http://365daysofbeing30andamommy.blogspot.com/ metta1313

    Oh my. This makes me think. I mean my little girl is about to turn 8 months and I have no flipping clue where time has gone and I think about next summer when she will be running around and how I will miss watching this first week of her getting her scoot on around the living room. And now I miss her 3 month old self when she started to become a real person.

    Well, you will have this post to show her when she's older and perhaps she'll remember!

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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Kristi_Maristi Kristi_Maristi

    that was so sweet and I'm sure rings true to so many of us. I have been having these reflective thoughts lately too. Rocking Milo more, snuggling him ANY chance he will let me. It's happening too fast. It makes me super sad. It seems like when he was a baby, baby all I wanted was for him to be older- So we could play and communicate and what not. now I would give ANYTHING to have those first few months back. I'd literally never set him down.

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  • jackie s

    ohh this made me tear up! i have a 9month old, and im starting to feel time is flying by too…

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  • Jackie

    Oh man, way to make me cry at work! That is the most adorable, sweet thing ever!

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  • http://babymcmillon.blogspot.com Lacy

    Big fat ugly face cry. :'(
    My little boy is about to turn 1 so I'm seriously depressed that he's growing up!!

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  • http://theheirtoblair.com Blair@HeirtoBlair

    This makes me want to get Harrison when he does his "10:30 stir" tonight.

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  • Jen

    This made me cry. Well written–this definitely expresses the feelings every parent goes through!

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  • http://www.germama.com Brittany

    *tear*

    Dammit.

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  • http://bloggedbliss.com mrs. jenna

    You effing brat.

    ::wipes away tears and pretends to not be crying at my desk::

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  • http://mommyoblongata.blogspot.com Nikki

    Bah! I hate crying at work. :::memo to self, don't read any letters to Harper that may or may not make you cry at work:::
    Sniff, sniff…all better now.
    This is a very sweet post, and really hits home to me since I have to leave the babe next month for the first time too. Ugh.

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  • Laura

    Beautiful, just beautiful.

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  • http://www.thelifeofblights.com S. Blight

    Well said. I just had the same moment the other night with my little guy. Except he doesn't know how to say "luh you" yet:) So heartbreakingly beautiful..being a mom, isn't it?

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  • http://theschenksshinanigans.blogspot.com/ amy

    was your intent to make all your readers cry here? because it worked. and it's mean. :)

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  • Meghan

    Sooooo…. H's vid from yesterday made me smile and laugh, and your note just made me smile and cry. Seriously, HUGE teary lump in my throat right now, at my desk. Wow. Annnnnnd, now I'm going to blame the fact that I am about to BAWL on the fact that I'm exhausted. Yeah, that's it, exhausted. And I'm going to hug my mommy when I get off work tonight…

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jenlong1981 jenlong1981

    so sweet & so filled with love. those moments are just priceless.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/bottlechronicles jess; [the bottle chronicles]

    this post is so beautiful it made me cry! so many times I've sat in Nolan's room and thought the same things!!!

    beautiful post, Mandy, and thanks for ruining my eyeliner ;) lol

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  • http://www.picklesandpaisleys.com Katie

    awwwwwwwwwwwwwww :”””””’(
    Katie´s last [type] ..He’s Coughing And I’m Neurotic

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  • http://josiahsnest.com moriah

    i am crying!

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  • http://www.dialmforminky.com Minky

    Oh I have done this same thing so many nights with my son. I can’t get enough of him and even though I know he won’t remember it, I will treasure these memories forever.

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  • Carly

    Thanks! Thanks for the lump in my throat and the smile in my heart… My twin girls are turning the big o-n-e in 6 days and I seriously don’t know where the last 359 days have gone?! Father time sucks! My girls are virtual bff’s with H and giggle at her as much as I when watching her videos!

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  • http://www.sullivanandsawyer.com courtney

    Thanks for the mid-day cry! Sweet letter and all so very true!

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  • Brenda

    Can you imagine now how how your momma felt and how she feels looking at you with Harper. I get it and life is so great isn't it.

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  • TheNextMartha

    So sweet. Those days have mostly passed for me and I remember them well.

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  • http://lilaccitymomma.blogspot.com/ Hanan

    Aww…how cute was this!!

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  • Angelina

    that was so sweet…it even made me teary eyed! I feel the same way about my little girl and you said it so perfectly. I cant wait till she can tell me "luh you".

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  • http://www.parentinginprogress.com Mae

    I do this too! I have to sneak in the covert cuddle sessions in the middle of the night because she won't let me rock her to sleep anymore, unless she's sick. I can't believe how fast it's all going and how big she is.

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  • http://www.notmommyoftheyear.com Krista

    Crap! I'm crying. Who do we talk to about a freeze on time?

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  • http://theflowersinherhair.com Katherine

    holy tears. i came on here to get the pho recipe and now im crying. i love this.

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  • http://www.smonkyou.com kenny

    stop making grown men weepy

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  • bobbi

    "I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep." (the last line to one of the few poems I have memorized. I just thought it fit.)

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  • Courtney

    OMG I seriously just melted a little. That was the SWEETEST thing, I ever read…..seriously!!! I CHERISH rocking my 14 month old to sleep every night and when she does ever wake up I love sitting in her rocking chair in that dark room listening to the SAME cd that has been there since we also moved her in her room!!!

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  • http://makemommygosomethingsomething.wordpress.com Kimberly

    That sniff was sniff sniff so beautiful. I need a hug from my little guy now. Make that STAT.
    Kimberly´s last [type] ..Am I Too Open

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  • http://tracyfamily610.blogspot.com/ Angie

    Crying also… thanks for making me appreciate more small moments. I need those reminders more often than I'd like to admit.

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  • http://newthingsformom.blogspot.com/2010/06/change-in-thought.html Michelle B

    So glad I didn't read this at work like I planned. I think you really hit the nail on the head with this post.
    My son is 2 1/2 and on most days, I have to get for a kiss. Lately, he will randomly give me hugs and kisses. The minute he reaches for me, I will drop what I'm doing and hold him. I actually laid with him on the couch for 20 minutes tonight.
    It's posts like this that make want to go in his room and get him.

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  • http://iamsarajane.blogspot.com/ Sara

    That was so sweet that it made me cry! It really is the small moments like that that us Mommas will treasure and remember for years to come.

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  • http://lovethemama.com annemarie

    That is awesome.

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  • http://www.2whiskerbiscuits.blogspot.com Biscuit

    Shew had to step back for a second on this one. I write about this "passing of time" depression a lot on my blog too. It makes your heart hurt to think ahead to a time when they won't need you like this anymore.

    Daggone man.

    (sorry for the comment overload today, I just found your blog and I'm archivin like a sonofabitch)

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