issues – i haz them.

Posted on | June 30, 2010 | 37 Comments

i have a serious road rage problem.

like, i’m not gonna get outta my car at a stoplight and try to punch anyone and i don’t keep a crowbar in my trunk or anything, but let’s just say words are my friends in the car, and let’s be real here, YELLING AT PEOPLE IS AWESOME. since Harper came along, it’s been my mission and biggest hurdle to take a chill pill on the car language. it’s hard. but since i really don’t want my kid repeating anything i say whilst i’m in a blind rage in the car, i have severely taken it down a notch.

it wouldn’t be a problem in the first place if people would just LEARN TO DRIVE. find a happy medium between driving like a bat out of hell trying to murder people and crawling along like you’re on your sunday stroll. find the gas pedal for the love of jason mraz and USE IT. that little bar jutting out forth your steering wheel? yes, that little guy not 3 inches from where your hand is now? it’s called a blinker and it would help so profusely when it comes to me deciding whether or not you ARE THE WORLDS BIGGEST IDIOT (spoiler alert: you are). the light just turned green – what shade exactly is it that you’re waiting for? OMG GO! GOOOOO for the love of baby and standard size jesusssss!

i think 10 miles an hour is an acceptable speed for a parking lot, where people, kids and old people are milling about, trying to get safely into the store and back. i also think you should perhaps turn your head BOTH WAYS as you’re pulling out of a parking spot so i don’t have to stop suddenly whilst holding my child contemplating how much trouble i’d get in for kicking your car. speaking of parking – HOW HARD IS IT? they put the two lines there for you and everything. all your stupid ass has to do is get the car between them. yet it’s still an impossible task. now i’m bending all gumby like just trying to get out of my car. THANKS SO MUCH.

QUIT WITH THE TEXTING ALREADY. no one, and i repeat no one, will die if you don’t respond to Chad RIGHT NOW about what beer to bring to the bbq or what puka shell necklace will look best with your salmon (it’s pink, btw douche) polo shirt. people however will die, if you ram into them at 50 mph because you can’t wait to see what Amber is wearing to the “club” tonight. i’m totally gonna pull an oprah here and say STOP TEXTING. you’re gonna kill someone. yourself, fine, but others, NO.

tonight i had to run a few errands, so i went alone after Scot was home. it’s always weird to leave the house with an empty car seat since H is literally always with me. you know what my favorite part of the 25 minute errands trip was? yelling loudly. telling people where they should go. exclaiming at the top of lungs “I HOPE YOU GET DIARRHEA BEFORE YOU GET HOME!” and “GO FALL OFF THE TACOMA NARROWS BRIDGE!” and “YOU’RE GONNA GET SCURVY ON YOUR FACE!” and countless other things i cannot possibly type here lest you think i’m certifiable (spoiler alert number 2 – i am). it. was. glorious.

i’m home now and feel like a new woman. total stress reliever. i think i need to make a weekly date with myself to just go for a drive and go totally ape poop crazy on some mofo’s.

hey, it’s cheaper than therapy.

post summary: you can’t really get scurvy on your face. unless you’re a pirate. OR THAT GUY NOT USING HIS BLINKER.Vote For Us @ topbabyblogs.com!

Category: certifiable, confessions, funny mom stuff, thats embarassing, Uncategorized

Comments

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/skywaitress SkyWaitress

    I can't imagine not being able to scream and yell in the car. Funny how everyone is an idiot driver except me though right? hmmm…

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    teammandy Reply:
    July 1st, 2010 at 6:22 am

    it's SO HARD.

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  • http://lynxymama.blogspot.com lishyloo

    i am freaking DYING. oh my god, you are my twin.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/kayejohn kayejohn

    *new reader*

    this post really entertained me. especially since your saying in the sidebar that you're trying to "come out on the other side with a kid who doesn't repeat words i use in the car" was part of what drew me into subscribing. :)

    I especially adored your use of the phrase "for the love of baby and standard size jesus" and I might start using it…

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    teammandy Reply:
    July 1st, 2010 at 6:23 am

    thanks for saying hi! and for reading :]

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  • http://lovethemama.com annemarie

    Oh man, the lame-ass drivers in my city are the same. Honestly, other people (not me) should have to retake their driving test every year.

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  • http://bebehblog.com Suzanne

    I'm pretty sure the baby's first real sentence will be "GET OFF THE ROAD DOUCHEBAG" since I say it more than pretty much anything else on any given day. God I hate bad drivers. And slow drivers. And cell-phone talking drivers.

    Pretty much all drivers.

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  • http://thewifeychronicles.wordpress.com Ashley G.

    I’m the get out of my car and punch you person.
    Actually I have really done that because they nearly killed me and my adrenaline made me feel like hulk hehe.
    Ashley G.´s last [type] ..20 before Twenty

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  • Jen

    ::initiates slow clap::

    Even though you don't know me, I love you. Seriously. That was PURE BRILLIANCE.

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    teammandy Reply:
    July 1st, 2010 at 6:24 am

    i love you, too.

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  • http://newthingsformom.blogspot.com/2010/06/change-in-thought.html Michelle B

    I love it! Sounds like you had a trip like me today. It wasn't bad enough that they are doing total construction on the intersate, then I missed my exite and had to go soo far out of my way to daycare. Plus, I was running late to an apt. My issue was with a convertable. Listen, yeah your mustang is nice. But having the top down does not give you the right to go 10 in a 35 while you are thinking you are cool. Some people only have 10 minutes to get their kids and be at the doctors.
    My other issue is people with huge trucks. I live in Iowa, so we have tons of them. If you are bad ass enough to drive a huge Ford truck, then drive like you own it. Those drivers are always the ones that are going 1/4 of the speed limit. I don't care that your truck is red and huge. Get moving already!

    Your comment about the blinker was funny. My boyfriend is a freak about the blinker. Just the other day he said he was going to start the blinker patrol. He was going to write down license plates down of anyone who didn't use their blinker. Then, when he sees them again, he just might slash their tires. LOL

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  • Monique

    omg. i die of laughter all the time from your posts.
    seriously…. the part about the diarrhea… hilarious!

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    teammandy Reply:
    July 1st, 2010 at 6:25 am

    i really do wish them to poop their pants and car.

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    Amber Reply:
    July 2nd, 2010 at 1:18 am

    Have you ever seen the Margret Cho act about her getting the shits in her car? Yeah…this reminded me of that :P

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  • http://cazzastravels.blogspot.com/ Cara

    OH MY GOODNESS!
    That is just me, I am pretty sure most people over here got their licence at the back of the wheeties packet!!
    Clearly its not just Australia then!!
    Cara´s last [type] ..3rd Celebration was fun

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  • http://littlebitoflenzi.blogspot.com/ Sandy

    OMG I am TOTALLY a member of this club. Before my daughter, I had the worst road rage, and was yelling obscenities at the top of my lungs on a 5 minute errand. I live in Atlanta, AKA Land of the Bad Drivers.

    Now that my little girl is here (and she's turning 1 on Tuesday, and she listens to everything I say) I'm really working hard to tone it down. Sometimes I just have to literally bite my lip. Or let my horn do the talking.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/lcew LCW

    My favorite line: I hope you get diarrhea before you get home.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/kurunner Jen

    Wow, I totally hear you on the texting!

    My friend was leaving work to go pick her daughter up from daycare two days ago and got rear-ended at a red light. Like, she was stopped waiting for the light to turn and some asshat completely ran into her at 40 mph because he was texting. If her toddler had been in the car, she would have been killed. Seriously. The car seat was shattered to bits and the rear half of hear car was folded in on itself. The jackass got a ticket for distracted driving… a whopping $50 in this state.

    Why is it that everybody thinks they're the exception — that they are the ones who can text and still drive amazingly? Guess what people? You probably suck enough at driving without a phone in your hand. If you are that effing important that you need to be on your phone during your evening commute, hire a driver!

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  • http://from-magerks-to-i-dos.blogspot.com/ Kt at Magerks

    I am there with you. And holy crap, I just realized that I'm going to have to cut back on my road rage in a few weeks when this baby girl finally arrives. Yikes!

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  • http://arms-wide-open.squarespace.com Grace

    my definition of road rage has changed since driving in mexico. holy baloney it is RIDICULOUS here. the drivers are seriously on suicidal missions. They are CRAZY. I feel you. I am so angry most of the time behind the wheel. It's rough.

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  • Cookieparty

    I think you're absolutely hilarious. As a new reader and future first time mama ( less than 2 months to go, ahhhh!) I enjoy your blog tons. I too am concerned with how I will handle my mouthrage in the car. I completely agree with the texting while driving BS, but I think what generally sets me off are latebrakers! They're on The Boat. And by boat I mean the boat we fill with everyone awful, sail it out into the middle of the ocean, and BLOW EM' UP. ie: JG Wentworth, Heidi Montag, Dr. Phil, latebrakers…..etc etc.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/ababygrowsinbrooklyn Holly

    I was cracking up over your road rage therapy. I try so hard to curb it w/ my little one in the car but sometimes just call for me yelling "DOUCHE BAG!!" at the top of my lungs. NYC is the capital of people drifting/ swerving in and out of lanes with no blinker. It would be so nice if people could just indicate to me that they are about to cut in front of me while I'm going 50 on the BQE.

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  • http://thefourthhouseontheleft.blogspot.com meghan

    please roll down the windows when you yell- i hope they hear you!!! just yesterday, a woman in my town died when she was hit by a car. she was jogging with her two babies in the double jogging stroller, at noon, in a pedestrian friendly town– and a 20 year old kid high on marijuana ran her over after he blew through a stop sign. she was on her way to the park to picnic with her kids, and now they will never know their mom, because of this kid's idiot driving. maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if harper heard the things you yell– i hope everyone hears.

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    jess; [the bottle chronicles] Reply:
    July 1st, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    omg…just read your comment and that is so freakin' sad! I'm glad the babies weren't harmed, but that is so tragic. :( poor babies, poor mama, poor papa :(

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/bottlechronicles jess; [the bottle chronicles]

    I hear you: I have road rage too.

    Matt is worse though, lol.

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  • courtney

    OMG u r flippin HILARIOUS, seriously….thank u for making me laugh SO HARD today!!!

    I have road rage also AND my hubbs…so much worse.

    Yup, guess what my 14 mo, she says sh*t, fantastic parents arent we??

    Well if the idiots wouldnt drive so much she wouldnt of heard her dad say it so much, LOL….

    She hasnt said it in a while, hoping she forgot!!!

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  • http://Whimsyvalentine.wordpress.com Brooke Wynkoop Le Clear

    lolz!!! My hubs is a die-hard San Fran native who moved to NYC before I enticed him to LA, so he literally JUST got his Driver’s license. He used to get so freaked out byy rants in the car and now he’s the one going “it’s a turn signal asshat-use it!” He understands me so much better now!!
    Brooke Wynkoop Le Clear´s last [type] ..Please- someone

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  • Meghan

    I lurve you. That's all. Oh, and I hope I ALWAYS use my blinker when I'm in front of you. I already have adult blemish issues… I don't want scurvy, too >_<

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  • http://www.beingpeachy.com ThePeachy1

    I moved a place where traffic is non existent. in related news my blood pressure went down. OFF with their heads, err I mean poop in their pants.

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  • http://everylittlewonder.net Des

    Oh, man. I used to think road ragey people were a little crazy and probably just needed a hug and some cookies.

    And then I started commuting in San Francisco last week. And suddenly? I UNDERSTAND THE RAGE. I think my baby's first word just might be "OMG you giant drunk ASSFACE what are you DOING?!??"

    (I could still use some cookies though.)

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  • http://www.mrsandmister.com Sara

    Driving by myself in my car is awesome. Such a stress reliever! But serioulsy. For the love of Pete and all that is holy, please people, learn how to drive!!!!!

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  • http://www.unlikelymama.net Amber

    HA! I'm a yell behind closed glass kinda gal. So scary I know! But, now that Alexa is of almost talking age, I've tried to cut back. Though…I will yell at Peter when he drives like an ass. Dunno if that's still road rage :P She's gonna end up with a trucker mouth, I'm pretty damn sure, opps!

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  • http://marriedwithpuppies.blogspot.com Married with Puppies

    OMG, you sound just like me in the car! I also give people the Italian-for-F-you sign where you flick your fingers out from under your chin ALL. the. time. It's so much more satisfyingly emphatic than the finger!

    Also. You are too funny. I shouldn't read your blog at work — it's hard to pretend I'm searching PubMed when I'm shaking with laughter. :)

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  • http://bebebirdbeck.blogspot.com Amber

    hahaha You are so funny and adorable.

    I have a bad word/road rage problem. Not cussing, just mean things about how ugly their hair looks and things of the sort. It makes me feel better somehow. haha.

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  • http://dealsstealsandheels.blogspot.com/ Hayley

    i'm a new reader, and i am DYING at "scurvy on your face." i'm pretty sure i've thought every SINGLE one of your pet peeves out loud…and i'm only occasionally toting my dogs around!!

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  • http://www.2whiskerbiscuits.blogspot.com Biscuit

    ho..lee…shit i think i just peed.

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  • http://crawltheline.wordpress.com Christella

    I’m a new reader! Love your blog! I’m not new to mommy blogging, but definitely new to the mommy blogosphere.

    I love this post, and almost every post of yours I’ve read so far. You’re way funnier than you are pretty, which is rare considering how pretty you are.

    Thanks and you rock!

    Christella @ Crawl The Line
    Christella´s last [type] ..Vloggin Vednesday 2 – Q and A

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