in which i almost died.

Posted on | July 8, 2010 | 34 Comments

so it’s like 90 degrees in our house. i’m not complaining (yet) because lawd knows i’ve been begging for hot weather. but hot weather = bugs. and friends? me and bugs just do. not. mix.

a mere few minutes ago, my life was compromised. a mosquito – IF THATS WHAT YOU’D EVEN CALL IT – dive bombed me whilst i peacefully tried to let my pups do their bidniss in the back yard. i was minding my own, sitting in a chair enjoying the slightly cooler temperature, when i felt something against my hair and heard what sounded like a helicopter in my ear. realizing the apocalypse was in fact here, i jumped up squealing and violently shaking my head while simultaneously hitting myself in the head. as i looked up i saw him. he was against the ceiling of our porch, just bobbing away, making a way-too-big noise for a BUG as he repeatedly hit the ceiling. for the love of josh duhamel!

i had to get inside. NAOW. but he was near the slider and stella? well she was mid-duece and i couldn’t just leave her all vulnerable (she’s sensitive) and i couldn’t sic lulu on it because her stubby legs just don’t let her jump that high (and she’s dumb – like really dumb). i quickly looked around for something to swat it with – while crouching and hitting my hair every few seconds for good measure – IT COULD HAVE A POSSE YOU KNOW – but there was nothing. i saw the can of pam on the grill, grabbed it, shook it (why? in a time like this WHY?!) and went full on gary busey on this sucker.

since video cameras do not follow me around (still trying to figure out why not), a very accurate depiction of said events.

since he was the size of a mini horse, i had to be diligent and spray until his giant wings were coated and he fell to the ground, where i continued to spray him until he stopped moving, where he still lays in a pool of pam AND WILL REMAIN UNTIL SOMEONE (not me) MOVES HIM.

scot can question me tomorrow all he wants about why the slider, porch and parts of our dogs are covered in pam and smell like a saute pan, but i don’t care because i almost died you guys.

post summary: i think we all understand that the summary is that i almost died.

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