the bane of my existence.

Posted on | December 16, 2010 | 51 Comments

psycho kitty.

i’ve always been an animal lover. i’m the type who cries the ugly cry at the mere mention of a sara mclaughlan ASPCA commercial. i wanted to be a zoologist or a marine biologist when i grew up (then realized science and math was required. jay slash kay!). when i was 12 my mom adopted a manatee for me named Dugan. having a thing for animals was just ingrained in me – my mom owned a pet shop (with monkeys and parrots and puppies oh my!) before i was born. i truly, truly heart the aminals.

but charkey? charkey just grinds my gears.

she is Scot’s cat. she is sweet enough, but for the love of friskies, she doesn’t DO anything. well, i should say she doesn’t do anything during the day. during the day she sleeps, takes a turd bomb or two and then sleeps some more. you know, to rest up for night time, barfing on things and generally being an asshole.

from day one her hair has taken over the damn place. it’s everywhere. if it’s not covering my clothes, my comforter or my couch, it’s in it’s recycled state in a lump on my side of the bed. seriously. the cat can only hurk where i need to sleep, sit or step. it’s like murphy’s law of cat hurk.

i may enjoy her a little more if she maybe, cuddled during the day or sat on the couch with us or something. but the only cuddling she prefers to do is with my face in the middle of the night. god forbid she sleep at the foot of the bed like a normal cat who doesn’t really like people that much. NO. sleeping is so much more fun next to mandy’s grill. but let’s not like, stay asleep there all night. let’s go get a drink of water and then upon return, use the HEAD of the bed to jump up onto instead of the foot. throw a good loud MEROWW in for good measure as you land on mandy’s face.

every night, after spending a bit of time alone doing “worky” things, i head to bed, my head full of important things (opal, grocery lists, bills, unlaminating my list and putting ryan reynolds back on it) and unimportant things (cleaning baseboards). i toss and turn even though i’m exhausted until eventually sleep takes over. then? then this little turn of events happens.

1.

b.

3.

this continues all night until the sweet release of morning comes. then that jerk sleeps on my pillow for the majority of the day.

considering a review and giveaway of psycho kitty. or possibly “accidentally” leaving the door open whilst i’m bringing the groceries in.

post summary: psycho kitty can eat my shorts.

Category: grr, Scot, Uncategorized, wine

Comments

  • http://www.lfth.wordpress.com Jessica

    LMFAO!!!! omgosh. I LOVE your diagrams. Aha.
    Jessica´s last [type] ..wordless wednesday fourteen

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  • http://www.adayinmollywood.com molly

    Oh my Lord. This, Mandy. This post right here is your BEST.ONE.YET.

    I needed this today. So help me God, I needed to laugh and you just accomplished much more than laughter.

    I’m going to have to go get a kleenex to wipe the tears after I finish typing this.

    You are a fucking blog genius.

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  • AnNamae

    HAHA! That is funny, cat has issues. Did you purposely label the diagrams “1, B, 3″? If so, that’s funny too.

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    Mandy Reply:
    December 16th, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    ha! i did.

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  • http://www.law-momma.com Law Momma

    Hulk Smash.

    YES!

    I love it. You are an artistic wonder. :)

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  • http://www.manysleeplessnights.com Tara

    I like how bastard-kitty’s tail looks like it got electrocuted after being hulk-smashed by the random hand that has 1 teeny tiny finger and 4 sausage-like fingers. You better watermark that before somebody recognizes it for the real artwork that it is & tries to steal it for themselves :)
    Tara´s last [type] ..It’s going to be a miracle if this kids survives the next 10 days

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    Mandy Reply:
    December 16th, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    don’t make fun of my sausage fingers!
    ;)

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  • http://www.abettermagmom.blogspot.com Sarah

    Wow I think we may have cats from the same litter. Thankfully she hates me with a vengeance so no sleeping on my head, instead she screeches like a banshee the minute I put the baby down for a nap, for absolutely no reason other than she is a straight up B***H. And we have to close our bedroom door at night, not b/c she would sleep on us (she hates all physical contact) but b/c she would wake us up at 2am to feed her. I feel your pain!
    Sarah´s last [type] ..Remiss about Christmas

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    Mandy Reply:
    December 16th, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    you close the door and she allows it? psycho kitty SCRATCHES and MEAOWS all night if we even attempt such things.

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    Kate Reply:
    December 16th, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    My cats used to do that (they slept with me until the hubby came along) but they got over it eventually. You have to stick with it though and it’s very annoying in the meantime. Maybe you could get a white sound machine to drown out some of the noise?

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  • http://snarkobabble.com Tasha @ Snarkobabble

    One, sorry you have to have such a hard time with your cat. She’s very beautiful though and I want one just like her. (Okay maybe not JUST LIKE HER, but you know, the same breed. What is she?)

    Two, your images are ayefreakinmazing, woman. You’re like Paint Picasso or sumfink.
    Tasha @ Snarkobabble´s last [type] ..Letters to Jaeden- First Year

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    mandy Reply:
    December 16th, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    I WILL SHIP FOR FREE.

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    Colleen Reply:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:37 am

    Looks like a mainecoon.
    Colleen´s last [type] ..Shutterfly’s 2010 Holiday Collection

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  • maddie

    I am reading this now and not peacefully taking a nap because of pysco kitties. yes pural. the humane society had a ‘buy one get one free’ deal and it only seemed fair. the one arsehole likes to get up on the desk and knock some stuff over and the maybe scratch a little at the keyboard. then there is the other one who justed off of the desk onto my stomach and is now peacfully sleeping on my pillow and hair, so if I move and disturb her she’ll walk all over my face and start the process of finding somewhere to sleep all over again.

    cats are dumb.

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  • http://growingupparsons.blogspot.com J

    Cartoon Scot is HOT!! Seriously :)
    J´s last [type] ..Interior Design

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  • http://heatherandwalter.blogspot.com Heather

    Haha!! My favorite one yet.
    Heather´s last [type] ..My 2 Year Olds First Hangover

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  • http://lidiaadel.blogspot.com Britt

    I absolutely love your drawings of the reinactment… made. my. day!
    Britt´s last [type] ..Prayers

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  • http://www.alittlebarefoot.wordpress.com Jen

    unquestionably hilarious post. however. I’m a bit miffed about having “psycho kitty… fafafa fafa fafa fa faaaa” stuck in my head now. “runrunrun AWAAAAAYAYYYYYY!” thanks for that.
    Jen´s last [type] ..Help Me Help You

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  • http://undomesticchica.blogspot.com lindsay

    I’m so jealous that your mom had a pet store with monkeys!

    Id it an option for you to leave the bedroom door closed so psycho kitty can’t get to you?

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    Mandy Reply:
    December 16th, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    it’s an option. IF you want to see more drawings of her scratching on the door outside the bedroom and me inside taking a lemon zester to my eyeballs.

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  • http://picklendem.blogspot.com The Mama

    Oh my gosh I am dying! Hilarious drawings!

    This is exactly why we have to sleep with our door closed. Our cat would definitely be getting “HULKSMASHED” if we didn’t!

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  • http://www.ourtinynest.com mrsBird

    OH my! I know how you feel… except it’s my own cat that hates me. He adores my husband, my husband’s cat prefers me… and I think the hair on EVERYTHING deal just comes from owning a cat because we take our pets to work with us every day, via our clothes.
    One time, I had to leave town for business and his cat thought my husband had made me leave and poo’ed all over his pillow and side of bed. Cats are funny creatures!

    Oh btw, I’m Tiffany, long-time creeper. Nice to meet you. =]

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  • http://thelittlethingsthatcount3.blogspot.com Kerri

    I just found your blog and after reading this laughed for about 5 minutes straight.
    oh my goodness.
    thank you!

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  • http://lalaalovely.blogspot.com Larissa

    Oh my gosh you’re hilarious. I could not stop laughing at your pictures or description of psycho kitty.
    Larissa´s last [type] ..Day six- Food

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  • http://babydurso.blogspot.com Mama Durso

    Diagrams = highlight of my day. Thank God I don’t have a cat… or any animal of any kind. I can barely keep up with cleaning up after a one year old and definitely couldn’t do it if there were other organisms in the area.
    Mama Durso´s last [type] ..Remember that month

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  • http://www.birdestudio.com Erika

    BAHAHA. dying. o my goodness.

    Ollie has learned to scratch my side of the bed when he wants UNDER the damn covers, snuggled right up to me. However, when he gets to hot? He gets out, shakes, then scratches again immediately to get back under. Repeat x 18 every. single. night.

    GAH!
    Erika´s last [type] ..Gifts for Life

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  • http://lovethemama.com annemarie

    I LOVE this. I have 2 weirdo cats too, with different quirks, but Mr Pants totally TOTALLY jumps onto my face with that stupid little “mrrow!” sound. Crazy beasts.
    annemarie´s last [type] ..the nativity in the digital age

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  • http://www.newtomom.com Michelle B

    We had a super cool cat. Or at least he was cool until bedtime. There was one time Jeremy woke up screaming. Turns out Fat Mike, the cat, had fallen asleep on Jeremy’s face. He thought he was dead….lol. Mike always seemed to want to be right in the middle of any bedroom activity. ugh…
    Now we have a Bichon who lays at the top of th pillow and licks Jeremy’s head until he fall asleep. Plus, he demands belly rubs. If I don’t give the rubbins, he doesn’t go to sleep.

    Love the drawings as well. You must be a graduate of art school. They are the best I’ve seen.
    Michelle B´s last [type] ..Drowning in Mommyland

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  • Rachel Gill

    Okay, I know EVERYONE says this to bloggers that they follow, but Jeezus Effing Christ, you are me, only not in Ohio. The irony is that this is the post that I’m finally making this statement on, because a. I don’t have a cat. 2. I don’t have a number 2, I just wanted to say, “a”, then “2″. I usually love everything about every post you have. ever. My own personal fave about this one (although it was perfect from beginning to end) is that you gave your husband an oval face and yourself a round face. PERFECT. Oh, and if there were an Oscar for best use of the word HURK, it would go to you. Def.

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  • http://www.gjmoorhead.blogspot.com Gina

    I love you.
    Best. Post. Ever.
    Gina´s last [type] ..Oh Christmas trees

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  • http://glitterandgray.blogspot.com Kim

    Woman, you slay me. THE END.
    Kim´s last [type] ..Jumble Brain- I haz It

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  • http://www.jereandallyson.blogspot.com Allyson

    Oh my gosh, EVERY part of this made my skin crawl and made me want to run out the door screaming. Cat hair all over everything, cat on my face, cat barf, CATS in general. AAAACK! You are a FAR nicer human than I. Seriously, I need a shower now.

    However, your descriptions were funny.
    Allyson´s last [type] ..Meeting the man in red

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  • Kelly

    M~ My boy’s dog has the same issues. Good thing she is a dog and I love her smushies. a cat….would not survive the amount of hulksmash I put into the night pushing. THe darn thing sleeps on my head once “dad” leaves and I have to laugh everytime because it= “get up Kellyyyyy playyyy with meeee. feeeeed meeeee. love meeeeeeee!” and I smile and laugh, and that is NOT a bad way to get out of bed everyday. (I could live without the mid-night, “gotta see what everyone’s doing outside, you don’t know if I really have to go to the bathroom so you bet your ass I know you are going to get out of bed hahaha” 3:45 wake up nudge/paw bonanza.)

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  • Kelly

    FYI, I could knit a sweater with all of the hair this dog sheds. Who knew Black labs did that?!!!

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  • http://lifestails.blogspot.com/ Annie

    You absolutely crack me up! I love your diagrams – hilarious!
    Annie´s last [type] ..rejected – Christmas card photos

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  • Christy

    Right now I’m at work trying my hardest not to totally BUST A GUT laughing over here. This post is hilarious. And man, can I relate. I have two little asshole cats that I love SO much (kinda, yes I do, sorta) that do the same things your little bundle of joy does!

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  • Jen

    “Hurk” will keep me giggling for DAYS!
    Mandy, you’ve outdone yourself once again.
    This is why I love your blog.

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  • Jenna

    Ok. This post was freaking hilarious and all. But one glaring question begs to be asked: Why was Ryan Reynolds taken off your fancy laminated list in the first place?

    This just seems unfathomable.

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  • http://mommypanda.wordpress.com Colleen

    The cat looks like a mainecoon, and they’re very territorial. If it is Scott’s cat, then she might be telling you to back off. I’m thinking that’s not it because she likes to sleep by your head. Does she try to nuzzle/paw at/eat your hair? You might try moving her down to your chest area and cuddling her when she jumps up at night. Maybe she just wants some love, and once she gets some, she’ll be less annoying. My cat was like that once I had a baby. My cat also regularly uses the head of the bed as the way she gets up on it, so it can’t be that uncommon.
    Colleen´s last [type] ..Shutterfly’s 2010 Holiday Collection

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  • Ashley

    I’m not really a cat person – mainly because they make my eyes swell shut, and my entire body itch… But that cat? That cat has devil eyes. She looks like she wants to devour your soul.

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  • http://herseaoflove.blogspot.com Sarah

    Oh my lord. We live a hilariously relatable life when it comes to felines. So ridiculously funny.

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  • http://www.so-say-i.blogspot.com Jenny DB

    Oh man this is great. I’m totally with you – I AM NOT a cat person. Not a fan, and apparently the feeling is mutual b/c I have $2k in medical bills from last year still from a psycho kitty i was trying to help that bit me. good times. i say do a charkey giveaway ;)

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  • bobbi

    If I ever get another large house in the country Charkey can come and live with me forever. BTW, love the drawings!

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  • http://lawmamaliz.blogspot.com/ Law Mama

    OMFG. I have three cats and I swear to god, if it’s not the baby keeping me up at night, it’s a cat barfing on the bed. WTF? I feel your pain, is what I’m saying. :(
    Law Mama´s last [type] ..Holiday Sweater Ramble

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  • http://newmomadventure.blogspot.com/ Denae

    My friend has a cat that does this when we spend the night. We always opt for locking cat somewhere but when that option is not available, we are given a stuffed beanie lion. Apparently cat thinks this lion is another stronger cat and will not come near. We shake it at her once or twice and then leave it by the pillow as we sleep. It works every time. The closest she will come is 3 ft from the edge of the bed.
    Denae´s last [type] ..First BIG taste of the end of pregnancy

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  • Becky

    My friends cat is the same way and got this air thing that they put by the bedroom door at night and when the car tries to come in blows a burst of air and no more kitty in the bedroom! Maybe you can find one and try it.

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  • Anonymous

    I’m pretty sure I poo’d my pants during this. Mr. Pistachio is the same way… except Mike constantly reminds me that I’m the one that wanted him!!! I wake up ALL the time spooning with him. Wha? Yes. Spooning. Then I push him away and he jumps on my head. Then lays on my legs and then asks me to kill him. Ok… maybe not the kill part so much… but, really cat.

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  • http://walk-in-our-shoes.blogspot.com/ Kirsten Ostertag

    My Aunt HATES cats. HATES them. Without fail every time she came to visit us when I lived at home the cat would gravitate towards her. She put out the ~vibe~ too…”don’t come near me cat…I don’t like you…go away”. To no avail. I read somewhere that they are intimidated by direct eye contact. Therefore…always choosing the person who ignores them as being the most trustworthy person. Maybe you need to have a nice long staring contest with Psycho Kitty…

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  • JClaudia

    HAHAHAHA This post just made my life.

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  • Tams

    I always find jokes about animal abuse hilarious. Toddler into wall diagrams next please?

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  • Wren Baumgartel

    Oh mah gawd!! I have the same issue! We have 2 dogs and a cat. The cat was the baggage that came along with my husband when we started dating. She pisses me off to no end. She’s not declawed so she tears everything up, climbs my clothes in the closet, runs across the top of the bed while we are sleeping (most of the time across my face) and poops in corners. Stupid cat. All of our furbabies are rescues but this one I would not feel bad about if she happened to find her way outside and get run over. I feel your pain. Just remember we outlive the little shits. hehe

    *LOVE your blog BTW!!!

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