Posted on | July 11, 2012 | 37 Comments
A series of posts for Harper to read when she’s older, consisting of obviously amazing advice from me, based on things that have happened to me over the course of my (at time of publishing) 31 years of life.
Harper, thus far in your 3 and a half years of life, your dad and I have taught you invaluable information. So much of it! The fact that we singlehandedly taught you how to go to the bathroom inside of a toilet instead of all over yourself and sometimes others still boggles my mind. We’ve taught you what music is good, how to open the fridge, and to say “and I’m smart, too!” when someone tells you that you are cute/pretty.
Very important things.
But what about those things in life that might happen that literally no one prepares you for? Have no fear, your old mom has you covered (by the time you read this, I will indeed be old)(I know, I’m as sad about it as you must be right now). Through a series of posts, I will show you a short list of things that have happened to me, and what I learned from them. What are the chances of these exact events happening to you? Close or at zero. But! You’ll be prepared should the stars align.
When I was 19 years old I got shingles. Seriously, shingles. Apparently 19 year olds are not really supposed to get shingles, but this shows you what kind of amazing luck I have. Shingles really hurt. Unfortunately when you work at a bistro making smoothies for rich people at a swanky athletic club, no one cares about your old person disease. They want their smoothie and skinny lattes, like now. In order to get to work, I needed to put gas in my car. GG had given me her gas card (thanks mom!), but in an effort to always get the cheapest gas as she’d taught me, even if it was only a 2 cent difference, I hopped on the freeway to go to the station nearest my work.
It was on the freeway that I ran out of gas. You’ll be horrified to know that this was before cellphones were a normal thing to have (I know. You’re reading this in your Google glasses or some shit but hear me out) so when one ran out of gas you had no option but to walk. Walk! I was a 19 year old girl with shingles and I had to walk (when you get shingles someday at the age of 80 you’ll understand that walking with shingles hurts) to the next exit ramp, to the nearest gas station (irony!) to use a pay phone (you used to be able to put coins in…oh nevermind).
Did I mention it was December? Wind is windy in December. I cried my entire journey along the freeway. I got all the way to the top of the ramp, nearly to my destination, when a car pulled up along side to offer help. Should this happen to you at any juncture, keep looking straight ahead until you hear a woman’s voice calling out to you. I’m not being sexist, just being your mom. I mean I guess a lady could chop you up into bits, but not this lady that helped me. She drove a Volvo and had her hair in rollers. Just be picky is what I’m saying. Even if you do have shingles, ugly cry face, and very windblown hair.
She drove me the 2 blocks I had remaining to the gas station, where I called my boyfriend and had him pick me up, buy a gallon of gas and take me back to my car. I’d like to mention here it takes a long ass time to get back to your car that is in between two freeway exits. But what do you care, you own a hovercraft, AMIRITE?
There are a few things I’d like you to take away from this. Firstly, and most importantly, just get the gas. JUST GET THE GAS. Or plug in your car or whatever. Just don’t be a procrastinator or try to save 2 cents a gallon (on a dollar gallon of gas! It happened!) while you have shingles and it’s windy. Secondly, should this happen to you anyways, learn from it. This was over a decade ago and I still wait to get gas like, an inappropriate amount of time. It’s all very stupid. It gives your dad the side eyes very hard when I exclaim “and I was driving up a hill and it said zero miles until empty! But I still made it!”. I fear he will have a heart attack should we team up on this very irresponsible habit, so please, to be safe, fill your tank when it is no lower than 1/4 tank. Thanks in advance.