We are young.

Posted on | August 14, 2012 | 94 Comments

I can’t really stand the song. Which means that of course without fail, because we listen to the radio in the car, Harper loves it. Every time it comes on all I can picture is some drunken 21-year-olds in a bar belting it out in that annoying wasted 21-year-old way. Of course I’m jealous of these imaginary 21-year-olds because well, they are young, and have the world in front of them. Also jealous because they are wasted and probably can have more than one drink without wanting to die the next morning. Jerks, all of them, the imaginary kids in my daydream.

Lately my kid has been testing me every step of the way, every day. It’s a constant battle with this kid. She’s smart and willful and stubborn and crazy. Then there’s the fact that she’s three, which we all know is like, the scariest thing ever in the history of being alive.

But then we’re driving. And We Are Young starts and she’s belting out the words. She is young. She will set the world on fire. She does burn brighter than the sun. And I know in this moment that we are both young. Soon, before I’d like to admit, I will be old, and she will still be young but she will be older. I will be begging time to take me back to the days when she was driving me completely batty in the car, but instead time will laugh in my face as I sit alone wondering what my baby girl is doing out in the big wide world. I will be begging time to make my ears bleed with the sound of eleventy decibels of pure toddler madness, but instead it will give me the silence of empty halls and rooms.

It’s harder than hard to appreciate madness when it’s in front of you. Each day at bed time I find myself both overjoyed and abundantly sad. Yay we made it and no one died! Boo another day passed and what the hell are we even doing? I never spent any time caring about time before I was a mom. Now it’s all I think about. Make it stop! Make it go! MAKE IT STOP.

Sometimes I cry. I cry because I can’t believe how much I am fucking this up even though I try my best every day. I cry because even if I blogged or wrote every day about her life for her, about her, because of her, I could still never encapsulate the heartbreaking love I have for her. She will just have to know it, and feel it, and I will just have to hope I did it all right. God damn it, I hope we’re doing it all right alright.

She yells from the backseat for me to sing with her. I sing with her because I will never again be as young as I am right now, and either will she. Tomorrow, even minutes from now, she will be bigger, older, have longer hair, be that further away from being born. It’s all so devastating, isn’t it?

So I sing, because I have no idea what else to do.

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Category: nugget, OMGTODDLERS

Comments

  • Kayla

    What a sweet message for your baby girl to read some day. She’ll always be her mama’s girl, and you seem like such a sweet one!!

    xo

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  • Katherine B

    Oh god I love this so much.

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  • fiona

    Sweetest letter. And so true.

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  • Heather

    Gahhh this made me tear up!! I don’t even know what to say, but this is beautiful
    xo Heather http://ahopelessnotebook.blogspot.com/

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  • Candice

    Beautiful. I feel like this everyday. And I cry too. It’s depressing how fast my son is growing. And more depressing that I can’t do a damn thing about it.

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  • Paisley

    Yesyesyesyesyes.

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  • Courtney

    I needed to read this today. Today I fought with 3 & 4. It was one of “those” days. And now I’m remembering to “sing”

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  • Alena

    Crying . All of the tears. I just put Sophia to bed after an incredibly hard day and teared up at a ‘wasted’ day. Where I didn’t sit and play as long as I should have, where my patience wasnt what it should have been. And now it’s a day further into her life, and what did I do to make this one special? Nothing.

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  • lenette

    Gah, this is SO me all the time. It’s so happy AND so sad.

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  • Ohwonderful

    I’m not a mother yet, but I had one — an amazing, daring, loving one — and this point made me think of her and all those memories from when I was a little girl, singing along with her to songs on the radio. Harper is so lucky to have you, and I hope I’m one day as great a mom as you are.

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  • Leanne

    I cried a little reading this. This has been one of the many summer days when I looked around my messy house, naked toddlers, and thought “who let me have kids?”. I still can’t get over that they are here and they are 4 & 1 (almost 2). Make it stop, indeed.

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  • http://girlstartingnew.tumblr.com/ Rose Fuchs

    I put the song on while I was reading this (I just had to). I feel the exact same way with my son and I never cared much about time before having him either.

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  • http://www.meaganmusing.com/ Meagan S

    This is so wonderful. Motherhood – a lesson in contrasts. I hope to live it up and sing a little louder tomorrow.

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  • jen

    i think we all get this. blah. at bedtime every night i’m exhausted. i feel like my 2 little people (2.5 and 8mths) have drained me completely every.single.day…and lately every.single.day i feel like crying..or do cry..at night b/c i’m pretty sure i’m sucking at this too. not even patience, not enough fun, not enough time etc etc…

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  • eRin @ Growing Up Senge

    Ohhhh, I hate the moments when these truths and feelings pierce your heart. I hate the funk I get in when I feel this way, or that make me feel this way. All we can do is sing, and take photos, and hug and love, and write out all these words so that we and they can look back and relive just a tiny piece and know.

    I know, you are definitely doing alright.

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  • Sarah Carey

    This is my favorite post ever. It so perfectly describes my life right now: “Aahh, you are driving me totally insane!” then “Aahh, don’t ever grow up!” It’s bananas.

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  • amehaffie

    i feel you on every last part of that. the days are long, and the years are short.. that’s my mantra. it’s so tough to grasp, but at least we’re trying to! you’re a good mama for even wanting to relish moments that make you wanna pull your hair out.. and as weird as it is, those moments make the tender ones even sweeter. love the way you write and think.. thanks for speaking for all of us mamas on some level. we ARE young!

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  • Crystal

    L.O.V.E.

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  • Jennifer

    This post makes me sad and happy. I can relate (though I don’t have children) and I feel like I am going through a lot of the same feelings as you right now. Don’t worry… we are young and when we’re old, we’ll still be awesome.

    xo Jennifer

    http://seekingstyleblo.wordpress.com

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  • Carly

    Wow, I really loved this post. You have quite the way with words miss. Also, you’re not fucking it up…I don’t know you and I can tell that you’re not fucking it up! Keep doing what you’re doing…and then blogging about it cause we like reading :)

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  • Aa

    THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. Even if you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, be comforted by the fact that no one really does — we all just do the best that we can. You’re doing just fine.

    xo

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  • allie

    this post alone is proof that you are not f***ing things up. if you were, you wouldn’t care. i don’t know you, but just from reading your blog Harper seems like a pretty awesome kid. and awesome kids only come from awesome parents (i know; my kid is awesome too ;) )

    side note: when i first read the title for this post i thought of pat benetar’s love is a battlefield. WE ARE YOUNG! ::derp::

    -allie
    http://www.comeandplaytoday.blogspot.com

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  • Claire

    Man, this is so good. It perfectly captures how I feel as a mom every day. It is the most intense rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes all I can hold onto is the fact that hopefully one day she’ll be a mom and then she’ll realize how hard I tried and how much I love her because she’ll be in the exact same boat.

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  • lishyloo

    god damn this is perfection. you have no idea how much i needed this

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  • Mandy

    This was so beautiful, I’m legit crying all over the keyboard right now. I know the feeling 100% and lately my (almost) 2 year old has been kiiiilling me with her crazy sometimes so annoying antics and I’m trying so hard to take it all in and enjoy it even though sometimes it’s. so. hard.

    So, thank you for writing this so wonderfully. I definitely needed to read it today.

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  • Kate

    Did our mothers feel this way about us? Because if so then they did a great job at masking it. I feel this way each and every day. My girl just hit the 2.5 year mark and I am just beside myself. Of course I’m happy for her that she’s growing and learning and thriving. She’s potty trained for crying out loud!! And I’ll admit it, I’m sad. I’m sad because every day she needs me less and less and while I love her telling me jokes and what she wants to do each day, I also desperately miss that tiny squishy baby that was only there for a moment. ::::sigh:::: You’re not alone, mama!

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  • Ivy Mac

    This is the best post I’ve ever read. Ever.

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  • http://www.thecurlycues.com/ Chelsea @The Curly Cues

    Friend, this post hurts my heart in the best way possible. I feel it.

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  • Rachel Harding

    It so easy to float through the day with kidlets and get lost in the chaos but all too often these moments come up where I feel the same way. It HURTS to look at all the old pictures when they were younger! How can it be so painful to look at my young babes when they were just days, weeks, months old?! My throat burns every time. It always the back and forth with me…I’m so proud of the new things they are doing like sitting up on their own BUT wait don’t grow up and saying I love you properly…three whole words and not one mashed up word…illlllyou. BUT wait don’t grow up. Ugh! #parenthoodtoughstuff

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  • http://twitter.com/missbadcompany jess.

    Great post!!! I feel that way often. Damn time.

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  • Christy

    I know exactly what you’re talking about.

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  • Chelsy

    I love this. Sometime I cry at the end of the day as well. My baby is still a baby but still older every day.

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  • Valentina Dedaj

    my sister has a three year old. these are the words that she says ring true to her at this crazy-scary stage: “the days are long but the years are short.”

    p.s. i don’t even have kids and this made me cry. at work. at my desk. raise your hand if you have emotional problems. oh. me. :)

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  • Laura

    I really shouldn’t have read this as work. I’m crying in my coffee. I have these thoughts everyday and it is all so bittersweet. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful post.

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  • Alison

    So I’m not a mother, nor am I anywhere close [sad] to being one. I dream of the day so that I can feel what you’ve expressed in this post. I realize this sounds a bit masochistic BUT the intense love you feel for your daughter is such an incredible thing and I can’t wait to experience it. At this point in time I can only compare these feelings to how I felt with a tiny kitten in my life. She was IN-SANE. All over the place, climbing up my legs with her tiny claws, mewing when I locked her out of my bedroom, pooping on my pillows, chewing my cords, escaping and hiding and pooping and eating and pooping. I wished it all away, so very badly.. wished for the day where she would be a two-year-old lazy feline who was more happy to sleep than pay me any attention.

    I. miss. it. so. much.
    I miss her little face and silly baby antics and her little poops and her little mews and her fierce need to sleep RIGHT up under my chin all. the. time.

    I’m sitting here SIGHING, a lot. I realize this meets nowhere near the devastation of a growing child. I suspect I’d be CRYING instead of sighing, just like you.

    You’re doing an amazing job. As a daughter who over-analyzes everything, I look back at my mother nowadays and realize I need her as much NOW as I did back when I was two. The ways in which she’ll need you will change and may even waver a couple times in life, but rest assured that in the end she’ll need you as much, if not more.. always!

    <3

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  • Damie Elder-Hiscock

    Amen and Amen. Although I think my tolerance for toddler crazy may be higher than some, there were still days that tested my patience. However, now that my daughter is gone (she would have been three in November) and I’m weeks away from welcoming my son in this world, I Can. Not. Wait. for the crazy to hit again. It’s crazy, but it’s heaven.
    goodtimesnotbad.blogspot.com

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  • Stephanie Weisman

    Sometimes you take the thoughts right out of my head. I would say words but you say them so so so much better then I could ever express my feelings.

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  • Michelle H

    Love this post! I get the heartbreaking love for this tiny little human you helped bring into the world. There are many days when I feel like I can’t do anything right. It’s then I try to remind myself my little girl is taken care of and loved. At the end of the day, that’s all that’s got to matter. And my terrible, off key singing still calms her down…so that’s got to count for something!
    Harper is amazing just like her mama!

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  • Heather B

    Oh, this breaks my heart. For all of the mommas who feel this way. Including me.

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  • Babe_Chilla

    Awwwww what a great post! <3 Harper is lucky to have you and you know what? You're doing much much better than "alright" you ARE doing ALL right.

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  • Xenia Galaviz

    My 6 year old Duke loves that song and my Husband and I make it a point to sing our hearts out with him. I completely understand where you are coming from – it seems I’ve lost my “G” with each child I’ve had and it gets worse as I get older.

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  • http://twitter.com/lawmomma77 Law Momma

    Well shit. I’m crying. In a car with a coworker on the way to lunch. Because dammit every word of this.

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  • http://tidbitsparenting.blogspot.com/ OTandET

    I feel this exact way every. single. day. Except I love that song <3

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  • http://twitter.com/BigRSayers Rebecca Sayers

    Thanks for making me cry in my cube. You hit the nail on the head of raising a little girl.

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  • http://www.elevenyellowdandelions.blogspot.com/ allieinsavannah

    Crying now, oh my god. This was so sweet and captures those tricky feelings so perfectly.

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  • http://www.mallorieowens.blogspot.com Mallorie Owens

    This is what I fear most as a future mother…I know I will constantly be devastated about the passing of time. I used to look at pictures of my little brother when he was a baby and bawl my eyes out because he no longer called me Mawrie. Tear. Now we just got back from celebrating his 21st birthday in Vegas. What the heck. I still tear up a bit looking at pictures when he had baby cankles…and this is just my brother. I’m in for a rude awakening when we have kids. PS~ I think you’re doing a fabulous job, for what it’s worth.

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  • http://arms-wide-open.squarespace.com arms wide open

    This post is magic.

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  • sarahracine

    So glad you shared this. This song is so annoying but I agree, when my kids are belting it out, I cry every time. Sheesh, this mom business is hard and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you sharing that it’s hard for you too. Thank you for this post.

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  • http://sewlovedblog.com/ becca @ sewLOVED

    i don’t even know where to begin. this post was beautiful and heartbreaking and so, so, so perfect. and i’ll never listen to that song quite the same. thank you for sharing your heart mandy. it’s a beautiful thing.

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  • Miss Jessface

    soooo… this made me cry at work. thanks for that.

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  • Jodi

    The days are long, the years are short, and Baby will soon be Toddler will soon be Tween (eeeeek) will soon be teenager will soon be married with her own children, maybe. And then you will smile and see what a fantastic job you did, and you will feel satisfied. Maybe not always happy, but satisfied, with the life you helped make and shape, daily.

    Also, have another kid.

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  • http://twitter.com/MyHappyMess MyHappyMess

    This is such a beautifully written post. I absolutely loved it and can totally relate. I feel the same exact way about my 2.5 year old. Every day I’m like “OMG we’re wasting time!”, followed by “OMG let’s do nothing but snuggle and make time stop!”. I get it. You’re an awesome mom. I can just tell. Thanks for sharing this.

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  • Cally Graham

    I cried. OH how I understand…

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  • MalloryMusing

    Tears are rolling- I’m way too pregnant to be reading this. I was just saying to my husband last night how a year and a half seems like no time at all in the growth of me as a person but in a year and a half our 2 1/2 year old will be 4! It’s crazy- I also can totally relate on the going to bed thing- I end up praying for 8 o’clock and then by 9:30 my heart begins to grow so much fonder of my crazy toddler and I worry that I hadn’t soaked up as much as the day as I could have.

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  • http://www.adayinmollywood.com molly

    Yep. I’m nodding my head.

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  • http://twitter.com/MandiMcClure Mandi McClure

    Exactly how I feel everyday. And now I am crying, too.

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  • Janie Iaeger

    yep, Farah Abraham crying am I.

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  • http://twitter.com/LittleBabyBlog Jayme Kubo

    This was so beautiful, and so what I needed to read. It’s no joke, this parenting gig. Some days are really, really hard, and some days are just hard. But for what it’s worth, you’ve raised a cool ass kid who pauses My Little Pony to go outside and do ninja moves with her bunny named Boobies. I think you’re doing it pretty right, lady.

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  • Renee

    Sob! I have a 17 month old and you just spoke me heart, much better than I ever could. Thank you!

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  • Sue Robinson

    Love this. I can totally relate. I feel like I am fucking everything up all the time and constantly scaring them for life with my mean momminess. I wonder if it’s all worth it and if I was really cut out for it. Then, just like you, some dumb song comes on the radio, in our case it’s One Direction *stab* and they belt it out and pop around with big cheese ball smiles on their faces. It reminds me that its all okay, they are happy, loved and will only need small amounts of therapy. Great post mama.

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  • http://twitter.com/craftyvanessa See Vanessa Craft

    Tears.

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  • Kami

    Such an amazing, open, honest post. Seriously. This is beautiful.

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  • http://littlegraypixel.blogspot.com Vanessa

    I concur with the 62 other comments about how poignant this post is. I teared up at work, thankyouverymuch.

    But let’s talk for a second about the alleged scar he gave his lover months ago that she’s trying hard to forget. What the what? I don’t understand the lyrics to this song.

    If I need a drinking song I think I’ll stick to “Tubthumping.”

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    Maryam Gerling Salassi Reply:
    August 17th, 2012 at 6:19 am

    Omg tubthumping XD

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  • rachel

    You are the perfect Mom, because you are the only she knows. It’s all good. It’s all good.

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  • Katy

    Yes, totally. *Tears*

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  • elSage

    Tears… I completely feel you here. Love this post. Thanks for sharing.

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  • Sara Stofferahn

    Ugh. I can relate to this in so many ways. Lilly will be three on Sunday. I want to punch who ever came up with the term “terrible twos” in the face. Because it makes it seem like it stops after two. LIES! She has become more and more out of control and I do feel every night like I’ve failed. But she still hugs me and loves me (sometimes). I still love her. A lot. I just wish she’d calm the eff down sometimes and enjoy the love I want to give to her. Moral of the story: we are doing alright.

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  • Sara

    Obsessed with this! Thank you so much for sharing exactly how I feel!

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  • karla

    omg, mandy, i read your blog all the time, and you floor me with these posts. i wanna cry right now!

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  • Claudia

    thank you for writing like you do Mandy. this is so well put. i cry too. all the time.

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  • Catherine

    This made me cry. You are a beautiful writer and I am sure someday Harper will cry tears of love and gratitude as she reads the words you have documented here. It is so clear you are a great mother and you are doing the best you can to be present for her! Life is a beautiful, heartbreaking gift.

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  • Kelly

    Hit home with me today! I had a challenging day today with my 3 and 1 year old girls. Thanks for bringing back down to earth, where I should be soaking it all in!

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  • Erma

    I am so right there with you. I am there too.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/marmie Maryam Gerling Salassi

    Aaaaaand add another person to your “made ‘em cry” list.

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  • Cassandra Loynd

    Wow, THANKS for making me cry. ;)

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  • http://twitter.com/jordanmktg T.

    This post really tugged at my heart because I spend every moment of every day trying to let my daughter know how much I love her. While she’s a testy little-thing, I know she won’t be a little-thing forever and it breaks my heart a little. She loves to dance (with or without music) and when I least expect it she grabs my hand and says dance…and I do. :-)

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  • Jam

    Thanks for the tears!

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  • http://www.erica-castillo.blogspot.com/ Erica @ Mi Todo

    love this.

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  • ZenSlumbers

    Couldn’t have said it better.

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  • http://twitter.com/karamott Kara Motts

    Simply wonderful. I just gave birth 4 days ago and can feel that sense that things are moving too quickly. This is a good reminder to cherish the present.

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  • Alesha Osburn

    Reading this makes my heart smile and melt all at the same time. It couldn’t have been described in better words the heartbreak and joy that is being a mom and watching your little ones grow before your eyes.

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  • vickie

    this was absolutely beautiful.

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  • http://sweetmamam.wordpress.com/ Sweet Mama M

    Absolutely gorgeous – at the age of 27, and being a high school teacher, there are already days where I feel old. Thanks for this post that reminds me that in the grand scheme of things, I am still young… there’s time to embrace it!

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  • Jess

    This is so beautiful. Thanks for making me cry at my desk. I don’t even have kids yet… How nuts will I be when I do?!

    (I hate that song also.)

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  • Andrea

    This post made me cry which is all I seem to do these days! I cry because I work full time outside the home and miss eight hours a day, five days a week with my baby boy. I cry that I’m doing this mothering thing wrong and not doing everything I should be doing for him. I cry at how much I truly love him! I cry ALL the time! Thanks for putting this out there and letting us know we aren’t alone in our tears!
    http://akstylemyway.blogspot.com/

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  • Catherine

    most amazingly awesome post ever. coming from a non-mom young ass 21-year-old who sings shwasted occasionally, but spends most her days with coo coo crazy four-year-olds trying to teach them about the world. Most days they teach me. Well done the haps.. i love your blog

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  • Jp

    I have tears in my eyes because my oldest son turned 3 today and you have absolutely nailed it with this post. Thank you!

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  • http://twitter.com/DineandDish Kristen

    I can so relate to this post… with all four of mine it is evident each and everyday how fast time is going and how hard it is to grasp onto each precious moment. Thanks for sharing your words!

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  • l3moineau

    add me to the long list of people whom you made cry! this hit me especially because my son, my heart, is turning T-W-O tomorrow, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that it’s been that long since I first held him. And now he’s this incredible bundle of energy, is so tall, so big, and looking so grown up, and every night as I smooth the hair off his forehead and see him sleeping so peacefully, I feel that he’s growing up and growing away, and I just want to hit pause and halt it all for a while.

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  • Stella Rutherford

    Shit. All of your posts get to me, but this one gets to me the most. I have an almost 3 year old daughter and I go through this every day. And with my baby son, who never sleeps and wants to be held eternally, and all I want is my body to myself sometimes, or just enough free time to get the house tidy. And then I catch myself taking a photo of his 1cm long hair, because I don’t want to forget, and I want him to know that he had the downiest soft hair. And then I have to fight myself from waking my kid up just to tell her I love her, because I didn’t hug her enough that day, and I yelled too much, and I feel broken hearted about it, even though she was testing all my limits all day. It’s a weird and terrifying ride, but man, it takes one second for these guys to melt me.

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  • http://yellowcabhopscotch.tumblr.com/ yellowcabhopscotch

    our 2.5 year old has found music lately, especially “live forever” by drew holcomb & the neighbors. well, that at bruno mars. but i’ve been singing it to him since he cried the first week at home from the hospital. when he belts out the chorus, “i want you to live forever, underneath the sky so blue,” it breaks my heart and puts it together at the same time.

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