Kids, man.
Posted on | March 29, 2012 | 87 Comments
in my moms recent move, i acquired a few boxes of my things she had been saving since i was little. report cards, artwork (even a macaroni preschool project!), ribbons, etc. today i sat down to go through one of them at naptime and nearly died of laughter. i had to share some of these with you because for those of you who ask where Harper gets her silly quirkiness? genetics can be the only answer.
in between report cards with comments that were essentially “Mandy would be a great student and has a lot of potential if she’d just shut the hell up once in a while” and talent show rejection letters (how a jump rope/dance routine to Too Legit To Quit not be considered TALENT is beyond me) were hilarious stories and drawings.
first of all let us take a look at the box my things are in. i still remember the day i got these skates. I LOVED THEM.
as a child of the 80′s how could you NOT want to be as cool as these kids?
this one is an animal i made up. “my egg that hatched a pantle”. which if it wasn’t obvious, is half panda, half turtle. which makes TOTAL sense. see how the diagram spells it out for you?
perhaps you’d like some more info about this magical pantle? let’s refer to the story i wrote inside:
“My animal loves to eat out of garbege bins, and only comes out at night…you are probably wondering what he eats, well, he eats old newspapers, old moldey liver, and dead worms. But he only comes out once a day, and he sits in an old arm chair, and eats the garbege off of the ground in my basemant at night.”
2nd grade. it’s weird, i don’t remember being hardcore into opiates at the age of 8.
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next up is a book i made called “someday” where i talk about all the things i was TOTALLY going to do and be, you know, someday.
“someday I am going to clean my room and my mom would say ‘why all of a sudden do you want to do that?’ “(dead.)
“someday I will draw the best picture in the whole school and everyone will write letters to me”.
“someday I will go to Europe and I will meet the man I will marry”. (who even? you’re NINE.)
“someday I will write the best book in the whole world and it will be in book stores everywhere”.
KINDOM OF THE UNICORNS COMING 2013
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when i was 8 i wrote this little ditty called A Turkey Tale. november 20, 1989.
“Once there was a turkey named Lester. He had a friend, his name was Cliff. They were so excited because tomorrow was Thanksgiving. Cliff came over to Lesters cage the next day. Lesters cage was filled with Thanksgiving decorations. It turned out to be the best day they ever had.”
oh honey…no.
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seriously?
“I lived in a nice calm house for about two minutes. Why? Because I had a slight problem. How? Well, this slimey gooy slug craled up on my lap. It came up to me and he asked me something rudd for a slug to say to a humen bing. He asked me if I would marrie him, and I scremed and then he kissed me and then I scremed even louder.
And then I ran out of my house and I bumped into Mrs. Binkin Bopper, and she droped her groshrys.”
I NEVER FINISHED THE BOOK. it was OBVIOUSLY going places, and i mean, how will we ever know how she actually came to marry a slug? come on 8 year old Mandy! you’re killing me smalls.
mrs. binkin bopper. and her boobs, apparently.
i seriously, seriously cannot wait to have things like this come home from school. how my mom didn’t die on the spot, i don’t know, but i think i might need resuscitation when Harper starts writing and illustrating her own stories.
I MARRIED A SLUG ALSO COMING 2013.
