Posted on | January 3, 2011 | 17 Comments
were you even aware of what a huge dork of a nerd writes this blog?
well, you are now.
also, i got dressed today. movin’ and groovin’ on my new year goal. the first monday after weeks of holiday stuff and sickness and i got dressed? this is epic.
Posted on | December 15, 2010 | 16 Comments
i’m sorry, but i swear i just finished off the left overs from thanksgiving and my advent calendar is somehow now telling me Christmas is a week from this saturday? i’m seriously gagging like lloyd christmas right now.
unprepared does not even begin to describe me right now. sure, the tree is up, we had a holiday party, the radio is set to the station that plays christmas music, but actually being remotely prepared for the big day? yeah no. i have mental lists going on what we’re getting for who but some crazy magnetic force (that i’m sure is made up of crazy parkinglot people and long lines) has my ass planted firmly in my house eating peanut butter fudge.
how is a holiday that lasts so long and is arguably the best season of the year sneak up on me every time? like i haven’t had advanced warning since i dunno, last december. now i sit on december 15th with a mere 10 shopping days left and i’m some how NOT supposed to turn into a crazy person? i fail to see how this is going to turn out well.
i even crapped the bed on christmas cards this year. how bah humbug am i? i have some new year/valentine/possibly may day cards in mind but who the hell knows if that will even happen. i miss being a kid! when i didn’t have to do anything ever! except kiss my jordan knight poster and circle toys in the JC penny catalog! and eat corn nuts even though they break my braces off! and curl my bangs! and snap myself into bodysuits!
sigh.
i need to get motivated. like, 3 weeks ago. seeing tweets and FB posts of people who are done with all shopping makes me cringe. every time i open a new card with a gorgeous family of friends on it, i feel like a big fat piece of fail. seeing not a single present under our tree gives me hives (in turn i put off buying gifts even more, hoping that if they don’t hear me or see me, maybe the problem will go away? no? dang).
december! wtf man?!
::runs away like phobe and rachel in central park::
::screaming::
Posted on | October 8, 2010 | 47 Comments
i have always been a sleeper. if left to my own devices as a teen, i would sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. naps are up there with coffee, burritos and the perfect hair day (i.e. i love them). if you were to look up “morning person” in the dictionary, i guarantee no matter what version you were looking in, you would never, ever find my picture. to say i like taking the night-night train to sleepy town via tie-tie avenue would be considered the understatement of the century.
so it’s wildly concerning to me that in the last 6 months or so, i’ve become an insomniac. like, up until 1 am, tossing and turning, starting at the ceiling, mind racing crazy person. as a lover of having my eyes closed for upwards of 10 hours at a time, you can imagine how unsettling this must be for me. because you know what happens when you fall asleep at 1 am and you answer to a tiny dictator that has been sleeping since 8pm the previous evening? you get very little sleep. and then you kick yourself for not taking full advantage of having a kid who sleeps like a champ (also? a little jealous).
and then you want to scream because all you could think about whilst you laid in bed was which house that couple picked on house hunters international and it better not be number 1 because obviously 3 was the clear choice but the husband had horrid taste in shirts so he probably sucks at picking houses too, but maybe there is a chance because the wife sure did talk to him like she wore the pants and surely she will make the right decision but you know what? screw them because it MUST be nice to have enough money to just be all “you know what, i really like greece so we should go ahead and buy a vacation home there and then have hgtv follow us while we decide which one to spend all of our extra money on even though my husband can’t dress himself and i’m kind of a douche” and next thing you know you’re all sorts of paranoid about YOUR bills and cheese and rice! did i remember to pay the car payment because if not surely they are going to come and get it and you know if they did that stupid neighbor lady would be outside, you know the one you complain to the association about because her dog barks so loudly your kid can’t nap? and then you turn into a crazy person and while she is snickering because your car is getting reposessed you snap like Britney and tell her to eat your shorts and then the internet calls you a loser for quoting the simpsons.*
see what i’m dealing with here people?
one would think my body would be like, hey remember that one time we birthed a child and then never slept for more than one hour stretches for like half of a year? lets go ahead and pay back the dividends and hit the sheets at like 9pm every night to try and refill the Bank of Sleep. but no. my crazy brain has other ideas, like trying to devise a plan to teach my french bulldog lulu to wear a saddle and carry my pug stella around on her back. or you know, other way around if need be.
i’ve thought about cutting out coffee or switching to decaf, at which time i laugh maniacally and take to the pantry to take out my ground dunkin’ donuts and craddle it softly while apologizing for even let the thought enter my brain. file that under “nah-gonna happen”.
i’m wondering if i need supplements? or sleeping aids? a lobotomy?
insomnia can eat my shorts.
*i’m bringing back eat my shorts. write that down.
Posted on | September 21, 2010 | 78 Comments
last week whilst on vacation, visiting Scot’s parents, i got an email on my phone. it started with “Congrats Mandy!”, so i almost deleted because hello, i’m not really interested in winning the Nigerian lottery and all i have to do is send my first born plus 3 goats and 9,236,000 rubles or whatever.
but then i saw the word Balenciaga. and then i saw BlogHer. and then i realized all at once as i was reading it that this wasn’t jokes. i remembered specifically dropping my card in the fishbowl at Sugar Inc. while Mae and i perused the expo. i specifically remembered them saying “you could win a Balenciaga handbag” and specifically remembered my heart skipping a beat.
this email was telling me i’d won. me. i never win ANYTHING. i think i’ve won one giveaway on a blog, but before that i’m pretty sure the last time i won something was when i was 5 years old, had a raging case of chicken pox so bad i was quarantined for 3 weeks and won a coloring contest at the local safeway for a cabbage patch kid. true story.
that was last tuesday. the last week was spent jumping up and down at random times, looking at the bag over and over online, doing the necessary steps to claim my prize (dude, a notary was involved), and emailing back and forth with the very lovely Victoria over at Sugar, Inc. those of you who follow me on the twitter know that i’ve barely shut up about it. sorry. only not really because seriously?
it came today. and yeah, it’s totally on my mantle right now. because obviously.
it’s perfection. gorgeous, magical, soft, GORGEOUS and looks like narwhals and unicorns sat for years painstakingly creating this masterpiece. i’m actually scared of it. hence the current mantle placement.
i knew i had to sign for the package so like any smart person, i put a bra on when i woke up this morning (you’re welcome fedex guy!) because my tracking number said it would be here today. wouldn’t you know right as i’m changing the monsters diaper, the doorbell rings? luckily i had already wiped, but the new dipe wasn’t on. i started to panic. omg, if i don’t get down there NOW, he’s going to leave! and by the time i get this diaper on and down the stairs he’s gonna be driving away and i’m gonna have to run after his truck and i’m gonna look crazy! and then they will send the bag back and pick a new winner and ZOMG!!!1!!one! so i scooped her up, no dipe, legs of her footie pajamas flailing behind us, and booked it down the stairs. i don’t care if she pees on me! i set her down in the kitchen and opened the door as nonchalantly as one could who just had baby business on their arm, signed for the bag and WELP, HERE WE ARE.
last night, before it’s arrival, we got the bill for Harper’s hospital stay (we don’t have insurance, but they thought asking for $8000 by october 5th would be right up our alley. GO AMERICA!). after throwing up in my mouth, i turned to Scot (and twitter) and said “i’m gonna have to sell the bag”. but after seeing it today? OH HAIL NO. besides, i’d need about 7 of these bags to pay the hospital bill so I’M KEEPING IT. besides, how cool will it be to give Harper someday?
::passes you a drool rag::
i want to thank Sugar Inc profusely from the bottom of my never-owned-anything-this-nice heart, especially whoever drew my little business card out of the many. this has made my day week month possibly year.
special thanks to emily and morgan for talking me down of the ledge last night re: selling the bag. seriously.
if you need me, i’ll be off wondering if it’s kosher to carry a target wallet and dr. pepper chapstick in something that cost more than my entire wardrobe combined.
