Posted on | June 28, 2011 | 53 Comments
you know those days or weeks where you are just in a funk? the ones where you just feel a bit blue, or irritable, or lonely or just plain off? the ones where when someone asks you what’s wrong your only answer is “i don’t know”?
that.
i really don’t know. i’ve thought about it, lots. i’m just…blue. a light shade of blue, nothing life shattering. just off. i thought a week off the internet would clear it up but here i am still just…off. don’t get me wrong, the week away was glorious – maybe too glorious. who really knows the answer to such things? not me, that’s for sure. if i did, i sure as johnny depp wouldn’t be here blabbing to you about it.
any good tips out there for cheering up from an inexplicable shade of blue? i tried eating my feelings – they tasted amazing but i just feel bloated and tired now. do i need a special tea or supplement? a good old fashioned tire slashing? maybe a voodoo doll? but who would i poke? SIGH.
i’m thinking i just need to get back to basics. i need to get 100% back on the eating plan we were doing before. i felt my best both physically and mentally when i was drinking lots of water and eating fresh foods. i slept better, felt better, had more energy. we got a bit off track (like so far off track i can’t even see the damn thing) around my birthday (too much celebrating to do) but it’s time to get back to it. past time.
as far as blogging goes, the break was nice and i thought a lot about my space here and where i want it to go. also, back to basics. i started by removing the Haps from Top Baby Blogs. i don’t have a single bad word to say about TBB. the majority of my very best blog friends turned real life friends, i met because of that list. i know a LOT of you who follow this blog are here because of that list. i feel a huge reason my blog is what it is today is due to being part of TBB. but things change and well, i don’t have a baby anymore! this isn’t a baby blog – it just isn’t. it used to be. these days it’s a toddler-food-anderson cooper-fashion-lifestyle-phone pics-everything but the kitchen sink blog. i just don’t belong there anymore and every time the reset for votes happened, i felt positively icky asking for votes. in a “contest” no one ever wins. if i sounded conflicted every time i spoke about the list or asked for votes, it’s because i was. i hated the way that list made me feel, even though i do so appreciate all it gave me. most of all, i so appreciate you all for voting for me when i asked, and especially when i didn’t. it was good times! it’s just time for it to be over now.
as soon as i get out of this funk (seriously, vitamins? witch doctor?) things will be business as usual here. more style, more Harper, more random team haps goodness. for now though, i have some moping to do. maybe that’s it? i just need to give into the mope? for the love of michael c. hall, you guys.
so that you don’t leave me forever for someone much more upbeat and un-depressing, i’ll leave you with some pictures of our week. you know, fun happy stuff like playdates, kiddie pool action, and the cuteness that is the H-monster. who can be too mopey with this muffin basket full of rainbow kisses around?
i’m feeling better already.
Posted on | June 5, 2011 | 55 Comments
last week i sat alone on my couch after everyone else was asleep and turned on Oprah’s last show on my DVR. i had no expectations, except that i would probably cry (as i do). it was a few days before my 30th birthday. i figured it would be good, but i’m almost embarrassed to say how much it affected me. it was like Oprah knew what i needed to hear at that moment.
like my good (blog and IRL friend) Jill, said in her post about Oprah (which obviously inspired this post)(read her post, it’s so frigging good), i grew up with Oprah. we all did. there would be months or years i didn’t watch, then months and years i’d watch daily. she’s Oprah for crying out loud. she was always there, a total constant in everyone’s life in some way. like Jill, i hadn’t really been watching her lately. but i knew i needed to tune in for this one.
growing up for me was not terrible. i have a wonderful family, an amazing mother and i was lucky. however, i was teased, ridiculed, put down constantly at school starting in early junior high. who knows why these things happen – i was a good person who got targeted. what i do know is it shaped the young person i was and it was for the worse. being treated the way i was treated, mostly by a group of males regarding my weight, can and will stick with you for many years, life even. in turn, my teen years and most of my 20′s were spent hating myself, the way i looked, and feeling as though no one would or could ever like me. the real me.
as my twenties pushed on, i fell in love – real love – got married, found some friends who truly got to know me, had a baby, and slowly those feelings washed away. but it has been hard, a long road that isn’t even over. i’m sure it never will be. we all have our issues, right? but what has been becoming more and more consistent in my thinking about myself is that i’m worth it. i’m worthy. and that? is a terribly hard thing to say, or type, when there were people telling you otherwise. even if those voices were NOT the majority. it’s the bad stuff that sticks like glue.
i sat watching Oprah’s last show with tears streaming down my face. practically every word she said went straight to my ears as if they were for me. she’s magical like that, no?
“…we often block our own blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough.
…you’re worthy because you are born and because you are here. Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough.”
you alone are enough. i alone am enough. so simple, yet so very, very hard to grasp. i still believe it takes a lifetime to fully believe it. but i’m ready and willing to begin.
again, like Jill (if i were as eloquent as her, i could have written her post – seriously we are soul sisters), i have spent the majority of the existence of this blog pretending it’s not a big deal. but just because i didn’t set out for it to be doesn’t mean it isn’t. i have denied my worthiness here for a very long time because, well…i don’t even know why. i’m sure it roots back to everything else. it’s just a blog, anyone can make and upkeep one. which is true, but that doesn’t mean i should belittle what i’m doing here. it’s way past time that i realize and admit this blog is a huge part of my life and that it means a lot to me. the fact that it means a lot, or even something, to other people? i can’t keep denying myself that pride. i am proud of myself and the things i create. whether it is a post where i pour my heart out, a post where i just post photos, or a post where i do something as silly (to some people) as show you what i wore today. it’s mine and it’s important and it’s worth it.
“Each one of you has your own platform. Do not let the trappings here fool you. Mine is a stage in a studio, yours is wherever you are with your own reach, however small or however large that reach is. Maybe it’s 20 people, maybe it’s 30 people, 40 people, your family, your friends, your neighbors, your classmates, your classroom, your co-workers. Wherever you are, that is your platform, your stage, your circle of influence. That is your talk show, and that is where your power lies. In every way, in every day, you are showing people exactly who you are. You’re letting your life speak for you. And when you do that, you will receive in direct proportion to how you give in whatever platform you have.”
something i absolutely know for sure about this platform of mine is that you guys knew i was worthy before i ever did. you come here and you listen, watch, encourage, laugh. i was listening to you the entire time but only recently began to understand. it’s hard to take compliments. it’s nearly impossible to pat yourself on the back without looking self-righteous and conceited. besides, there is always someone lurking ready to tell you you’re wrong and you suck and begin the cycle again. it’s so much easier to self deprecate. but i get terribly offended when people i love and adore put themselves down or say they aren’t worth it. i have to extend myself the same courtesy. i have always given all the credit of this place to the readers – it is what it is because of the people who read it. well, YES, but taking myself out of the equation is ridiculous – i’m the author, right? i’m not who i am because of you guys. but i am able to be myself because of you guys. for that i’m eternally grateful.
30 is young in the grand scheme. i feel lucky to have learned the things i have so far, and the fact that things are clicking so much for me lately excites me for my 30′s and beyond. being kinder to myself is high on the agenda. with my family, friends, my little corner of the internet, and Oprah’s last show on my DVR by my side, i think it’s going to be awesome.
Posted on | January 6, 2011 | 35 Comments
i was too sick and tired to create any end of the year posts, which made me kind of sad when i saw all the fun posts of other bloggers with photos of the year, top posts and whatnot. i always get a little emotional at the end of years, even moreso since i became a mom. just more proof that time is spinning wildly out of control with no regards for my feelings. stupid old time.
whilst i do have a list of goals for the new year, i’d be lying if i said i ever stick to them. not like my friend mae who does. last year, her only resolution was to make every bottle of wine she bought be under ten dollars and! it must have an animal in the name or on the label. genius. and! she did it. while i do believe i can stick to my goal of eating more homemade mac and cheese (you’re welcome thighs!), i highly doubt i can say with certainty that i will find a narwhal in 2011. which is sad and super depressing.
however. the one goal i am dead set on making a commitment to is being kinder to myself. i haven’t been so nice to myself lately, in many ways. i’m seeing and feeling the results and they aren’t pretty. i owe it to my daughter, my husband and most importantly, myself, to rectify this.
i am worn down, anxious, a little depressed, moody and exhausted. and it’s all my fault. i’ve been putting myself on the bottom of the list and have been perfectly content doing so – or so i thought. you know on what not to wear how everytime it’s a mom, they always say things like “everyone else comes first and that’s why i dress like crap” and then stacy and clinton are all “not anymore sister” and then the mom cries and everything? i never used to understand that. now? i’m all “OHHHHHH”.
{for the record, with the exception of saturdays, i could absolutely qualify for that show. no jokes.}
i am much, much too hard on myself. i make myself practically sick over all the things i haven’t done each day, never giving myself credit for the things i did accomplish. it is often 2pm before i’ve eaten a bite of food. something always hurts. i’m always TIRED. except of course at 9pm when i should be going to bed – then my mind races. and races. about all the ways i’ve failed that day. talk about a need for change up in here!
this year, and every year beyond, i need to be better to myself. my mind, body and health depend on it. i need to give myself a damn break. i need to breathe. i need to calm down. i need to eat. i need to just be. next week i won’t even remember or care what days this week the house was clean or what emails were returned. next year i won’t remember either. i need to stop putting stock in things that don’t matter.
i feel i am not alone here. i think you (yeah, you) should be kinder to yourself this year as well (and all the ones after that).
i’m off to eat something before 2pm. it’s 12:38! baby steps, people.
Posted on | January 2, 2011 | 29 Comments
oh. hello. remember me? the person who used to blog here. it’s me mandy. the one who used to post more than photos. i know, it’s been a while. please to be forgiving me?
this holiday season kind of kicked me in the ass. i’m not even sure what other words to use to describe it. as much as i truly love christmas, this year just wasn’t that enjoyable for me. i know, that sounds very humbuggy of me. but i’m just being honest. of course i loved spending time with my families, seeing Harper enjoy the season was amazing, all of that. but i think i let the stress of it all consume me. by actual christmas morning i was sick and it is still sticking around. i wore myself down and it all caught up to me. it’s important to me that i don’t let it happen again – the holidays mean too much to me.
hence my absence here, on twitter, on facebook and in just about every aspect of my life. i caught some sort of christmas funk along with my cold. but! i think it left with half the snot in my head. i am feeling better and i have high hopes for 2k11. i’m excited to see what it will bring. i turn 30 (hold me). my best friend is getting married. blogher ’11 (squeeee!). mexico for our 5 year anniversary. nugget turns 3. all the awesomeness in between. i’m stoked.
i don’t do resolutions. i do however do goals. for example.
i want to get rid of like, half of our belongings. sure, these things may be boxes inhabiting the garage, spare room and under our stairs that are full of only things that belong to me, but still. i want to do a crazy spring (or late winter) cleaning and purge all my crap. i just don’t need it. we don’t need it. and it’s suffocating me. goodbye stuff!
i would like to eat more homemade mac and cheese.
i would like to get dressed at least 5 out of the 7 days of the week. in real people clothes. by a decent hour.
i would like to dye my hair a shade of red.
i would like to blog more. even if it’s about nothing (on my way!).
start and stick with a photo project.
possibly, maybe, start thinking about getting pregnant (CALM DOWN).
finally devise a plan to make a saddle for my french bulldog so my pug can ride her (if you’ve been reading for a bit, you know i’ve been working on this for a while).
meet even more of my bloggy friends at BH11, write better and more often and be a better commenter (i’m so sorry i suck at that).
find a narwhal, because obviously.
i hope you all had a great time ringing in the new year and have some awesome goals set for yourself in 2011. if you’re new around here, say hi! and i promise to be more entertaining soon. if you’re old around here, thanks as always for reading.
here’s to this year being totes…
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