part of me is all “this is gonna be AWESOME! she’s gonna have SO MUCH FUN and she’s gonna learn all kinds of NEW THINGS! and she’s gonna learn how to share and take turns and get even smarter and she’s gonna LOVE IT!” and then the other part is all “HOW is this even possible? i JUST thrust her from my nether regions! like, THREE DAYS AGO! what if she hits all the kids, has a poop blowout and says a bad word she has never used before but decides to when we hand her over to her teachers? WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!”.

you guys? all this over 7 total hours a week. seriously, two days, 3.5 hours each. my marbles, has you seen them?

i mean, this year it’s 2 days a week, next year it’s 3. pretty sure the next step after that is requesting her own line in her room, telling me she hates me and demanding the REAL keds NOT the ones from Payless MOM. huh. i guess those cliche’s have probably changed since i was a teen. BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN. she’s practically driving.

i really am stoked for her. earlier this week we dropped by to hand in some paperwork and she took off playing without so much as blinking an eye my way. when we had to leave she absolutely melted down. i know it’s going to be awesome for her. i know it’s going to be awesome for me – eventually. not today, probably not next week but maybe the one after that. this is going to be good for everyone, and i’m looking forward to this new chapter for her. but oh my god, does my heart ache.

7 hours a week or not, our lives are about to change. this is the first of many years we have ahead of gathering supplies, picking out first day clothes, taking a photo and dropping our little lady off. each year it will be “back to school”, but this is our first and only “off to school”.

i’m sure i may be overreacting (but i’d be willing to bet moms who’ve been here don’t think i am) and that’s ok. this is my first born, my only born, my best little buddy. i’m her mom and i’m allowed some dramatics, right? right.

be on the lookout for my upcoming “omg it was FINE! i don’t even know what i was freaking out about you guise!!1!!” facebook and twitter updates coming to a computer screen near you.

this post was sponsored by Mott’s – i was compensated for my time spent writing because i’m a Mott’s Mom, but all opinions and ideas are my own. head over to the Mott’s Facebook page and “like” it to connect with me and other moms!

i feel like this time around, it’s not that i’m uninspired or tired of blogging. it’s that i feel like i’m too inspired and have no real direction. the part of me who started this blog with no intentions whatsoever tells me i need no direction. it’s my space, i can do what i want and all that jazz. this blog started the way thousands of other blogs do – to keep family and friends up to date on the monkey who expelled itself from my nether regions (good morning!). it’s been over 2 years since i started it and things have really changed. as much as i love sharing stories about Harper and being a mom, she’s getting to the age where i personally don’t feel comfortable talking about her as much. someday, sooner rather than later,  i probably won’t talk about her at all. what will i talk about? how will Harper’s Happenings keep going? these are questions i ask myself, too.

i enjoy playing around with my style, um finding my style, and trying to inspire others to get dressed in things they like. but it’s not like i want to have a full on fashion blog. at the end of the day (lets be real for a second) the majority of my wardrobe is from target and goodwill. i have no idea WHAT i’m doing. i simply get dressed and hope it looks good. i really enjoy reading style blogs (a lot a lot a lot) but i personally could never have one for the simple fact i just wouldn’t feel right doling out advice about fashion. however, i couldn’t be more stoked about SOS and what it’s done for both how i feel about clothes and, if i may be so bold, the way it’s made other women feel about clothes. i love that i have a style “segment” if you will, but changing the Haps to a style blog is not something i would ever want to do (or could do in good conscience. hello.)

being a mom is the biggest most prominent part of my life. what would i write about if not Harper? will people be interested in me? one of the first things i get when i show up to a places  alone is “where is Harper?” (i love that people love my chitlin that much, makes me smile every time). would the online equivalent of that happen here? and moreso – would i care if it did? she is definitely my little muse – maybe if i take her out of the big picture, blogging just won’t seem as important anymore.

the days i want to close up shop here are the ones where i see the reality of people shine through and it’s not particularly pretty. i have felt lately like there are a lot of fake people, people pleasers, users, etc. there are days i get sick of trying to figure out who is who and what person is legit and real and cares. sometimes i think i have that figured out but then i’m proven wrong. it’s all a bit much sometimes, so those are the days i simply do not exist online. offline i know who is real and who matters and who cares and those are the only important ones.

the days i can’t believe i even think about quitting the internet are the ones where i read something so good i stand up and pump my fist because my brain is so happy to have read it. the days where i share parts of myself more than just photos and cute stories and someone can relate and tells me so. the days when i read someone’s post and i relate so much i have to tell them. the days where i get a text from someone i only know because of the internet and can’t imagine not knowing them. shutting this mother down could mean not meeting other people i know i’m supposed to meet. or do i already know enough people? maybe too many people?

i have gotten much better lately at simply removing people i don’t enjoy or who seem fake from my online life. unsubscribe, unfollow or just stop speaking to. who has the time? i would hope that if my readers stopped liking my content they would do the same (seriously, why torture yourself?) and not stick around because they felt they had to. but i was doing that on some blogs, etc. not anymore. if it’s not my cup of tea, i’m not drinking it. no need for anyone to get huffy puffy – people change and so do tastes. let’s just let people leave quietly without berating them. your number of followers has NOTHING to do with your worth as a person, a writer, a blogger, anything. blogs in general should be entertainment. if you’re not entertained, made to think, inspired, etc, then peace out and don’t feel the least bit bad about it. further more, it’s entirely possible to like someone and not like their blog. and vice versa! you may feel a connection with me (ooh lala) but come to find you can’t stand the fact that i don’t use capital letters. no hard feelings if you need to bounce. promise.

thinking about blogging and my place in it has been very humbling. i cringe when i think of my early reviews and giveaways, asking for votes in things that didn’t matter (but they did to me at the time), and other things i thought i was supposed to do. the thing about blogging and the reason it’s so great is there is no blueprint. but it’s easy to get caught up in what others are doing and feel you’re supposed to do it, too. looking back, i know my mistakes, but i’ve learned from them. i will continue to make mistakes because i’m human and this space is no different from my real life – i’m learning as i go.

(this massive word vomit post for example, maybe i will regret it later. learning and junk!)

the bottom line is i love blogging. i love the people i know because of it, the fun opportunities it has brought me. i love having a place i can be me and share my life – the good and the bad – and put my pent up creativity to use. i love that i have a baby book of sorts for the nugget. i love that it has helped me figure out who i am and what i should be doing, and i love that people can come here and relate, start conversations and find other people they may connect with. the bad times in blogging are still far outweighed by the good. so i can’t in good faith quit. i’d miss it all too much.

you know how sometimes you just need to get it all out into the universe? that is what this post has been for me. it’s been in my drafts half written, then 3/4′s written, and if all goes well, i will finally hit publish. who knows. maybe it’s one of those letters you write but never send. that would be ok, too. i just needed to acknowledge and throw out how i’ve been feeling. i hoped i’d come home from BlogHer feeling ZOMGINSPIRED! and delete this post draft, but that didn’t happen. BH did reiterate to me that i’m supposed to be here, but these feelings of confusion still lingered. hopefully vomiting all of this into the blogosphere will do the trick.

if not…life goes on, right?

here, enjoy this regardless:

p.s. thanks for being here. you’re cheaper, and sweeter, than therapy.

that.

i really don’t know. i’ve thought about it, lots. i’m just…blue. a light shade of blue, nothing life shattering. just off. i thought a week off the internet would clear it up but here i am still just…off. don’t get me wrong, the week away was glorious – maybe too glorious. who really knows the answer to such things? not me, that’s for sure. if i did, i sure as johnny depp wouldn’t be here blabbing to you about it.

any good tips out there for cheering up from an inexplicable shade of blue? i tried eating my feelings – they tasted amazing but i just feel bloated and tired now. do i need a special tea or supplement? a good old fashioned tire slashing? maybe a voodoo doll? but who would i poke? SIGH.

i’m thinking i just need to get back to basics. i need to get 100% back on the eating plan we were doing before. i felt my best both physically and mentally when i was drinking lots of water and eating fresh foods. i slept better, felt better, had more energy. we got a bit off track (like so far off track i can’t even see the damn thing) around my birthday (too much celebrating to do) but it’s time to get back to it. past time.

as far as blogging goes, the break was nice and i thought a lot about my space here and where i want it to go. also, back to basics. i started by removing the Haps from Top Baby Blogs. i don’t have a single bad word to say about TBB. the majority of my very best blog friends turned real life friends, i met because of that list. i know a LOT of you who follow this blog are here because of that list. i feel a huge reason my blog is what it is today is due to being part of TBB. but things change and well, i don’t have a baby anymore! this isn’t a baby blog – it just isn’t. it used to be. these days it’s a toddler-food-anderson cooper-fashion-lifestyle-phone pics-everything but the kitchen sink blog. i just don’t belong there anymore and every time the reset for votes happened, i felt positively icky asking for votes. in a “contest” no one ever wins. if i sounded conflicted every time i spoke about the list or asked for votes, it’s because i was. i hated the way that list made me feel, even though i do so appreciate all it gave me. most of all, i so appreciate you all for voting for me when i asked, and especially when i didn’t. it was good times! it’s just time for it to be over now.

as soon as i get out of this funk (seriously, vitamins? witch doctor?) things will be business as usual here. more style, more Harper, more random team haps goodness. for now though, i have some moping to do. maybe that’s it? i just need to give into the mope? for the love of michael c. hall, you guys.

so that you don’t leave me forever for someone much more upbeat and un-depressing, i’ll leave you with some pictures of our week. you know, fun happy stuff like playdates, kiddie pool action, and the cuteness that is the H-monster. who can be too mopey with this muffin basket full of rainbow kisses around?

i’m feeling better already.

i don’t really like to post about things being rough because as i’m sure you know, or have been told on facebook if you’ve ever complained about something, things could always be worse and someone always is worse off. which is true. so instead of listen to people tell me that and make my problems sound trivial (um hello, running out of nutella IS a travesty, thankyouverymuch), i just keep my negative feelings to myself. i’d rather spread joy and sparkledust onto the interwebs than spew my problems anyways.

but you guys? i freaking hurt myself BAD and i have no idea how and i can barely move my neck a centimeter without crying out (or most times, just crying) to johnny depp that holy hot cakes, it hurts soooo bad and i’m srsly dyyyyying! i’m making it sound much funnier than it is. because friends? it’s NOT funny. espesh when your JOB is raising a toddler.

a toddler who’s 2 year molars have decided to make an entrance, all at the same time, the week that you got the crick of all cricks in your neck (what the duece is a crick even? i’m assuming the technical definition is “little evil gnome that is trying to murder you by swinging from your nerves around your neck parts until you keel over and die”). can we talk about 2 year molars? they aren’t right. they’re huge and mean and turn my child into…well, someone i don’t so much want to spend a ton of time with. while simultaneously feeling so sorry for her that i just want to beat the person who invented teething to a pulp (oprah? it was you wasn’t it?). what i’m saying is – this week? it has sucked. it has sucked the life out of this house.

i have the dishes, the laundry and the cat vomit to prove it (oh you didn’t think she’d give me a week off just because gnomes were attacking me and my child was making teeth in her mouth, did you?). my hair is a hot mess. i left the house today for the first time since sunday and i’m vowing not to do that again until i can turn my head without wanting to stab someone, preferably myself. it’s just….bad news all over this piece.

you know it’s bad when the kid who has almost outgrown naps altogether falls asleep sitting up.

sort of hard to complain about much of anything after seeing something so cute right? well, if you’d like to complain, feel free to leave it here. i promise i will feel sorry for you, even for just a second. and won’t tell you problems are stupid. promise. go ahead, your turn.

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less than 24 hours left to vote! to celebrate this icky week being over and the fact i might be in the top ten at the end of this thing, i’m going to do a thank you giveaway for all of your trouble. stay tuned tomorrow afternoon and get to clicking! you guys are the very best!

VOTE HERE