Posted on | January 6, 2011 | 35 Comments
i was too sick and tired to create any end of the year posts, which made me kind of sad when i saw all the fun posts of other bloggers with photos of the year, top posts and whatnot. i always get a little emotional at the end of years, even moreso since i became a mom. just more proof that time is spinning wildly out of control with no regards for my feelings. stupid old time.
whilst i do have a list of goals for the new year, i’d be lying if i said i ever stick to them. not like my friend mae who does. last year, her only resolution was to make every bottle of wine she bought be under ten dollars and! it must have an animal in the name or on the label. genius. and! she did it. while i do believe i can stick to my goal of eating more homemade mac and cheese (you’re welcome thighs!), i highly doubt i can say with certainty that i will find a narwhal in 2011. which is sad and super depressing.
however. the one goal i am dead set on making a commitment to is being kinder to myself. i haven’t been so nice to myself lately, in many ways. i’m seeing and feeling the results and they aren’t pretty. i owe it to my daughter, my husband and most importantly, myself, to rectify this.
i am worn down, anxious, a little depressed, moody and exhausted. and it’s all my fault. i’ve been putting myself on the bottom of the list and have been perfectly content doing so – or so i thought. you know on what not to wear how everytime it’s a mom, they always say things like “everyone else comes first and that’s why i dress like crap” and then stacy and clinton are all “not anymore sister” and then the mom cries and everything? i never used to understand that. now? i’m all “OHHHHHH”.
{for the record, with the exception of saturdays, i could absolutely qualify for that show. no jokes.}
i am much, much too hard on myself. i make myself practically sick over all the things i haven’t done each day, never giving myself credit for the things i did accomplish. it is often 2pm before i’ve eaten a bite of food. something always hurts. i’m always TIRED. except of course at 9pm when i should be going to bed – then my mind races. and races. about all the ways i’ve failed that day. talk about a need for change up in here!
this year, and every year beyond, i need to be better to myself. my mind, body and health depend on it. i need to give myself a damn break. i need to breathe. i need to calm down. i need to eat. i need to just be. next week i won’t even remember or care what days this week the house was clean or what emails were returned. next year i won’t remember either. i need to stop putting stock in things that don’t matter.
i feel i am not alone here. i think you (yeah, you) should be kinder to yourself this year as well (and all the ones after that).
i’m off to eat something before 2pm. it’s 12:38! baby steps, people.
Posted on | January 2, 2011 | 29 Comments
oh. hello. remember me? the person who used to blog here. it’s me mandy. the one who used to post more than photos. i know, it’s been a while. please to be forgiving me?
this holiday season kind of kicked me in the ass. i’m not even sure what other words to use to describe it. as much as i truly love christmas, this year just wasn’t that enjoyable for me. i know, that sounds very humbuggy of me. but i’m just being honest. of course i loved spending time with my families, seeing Harper enjoy the season was amazing, all of that. but i think i let the stress of it all consume me. by actual christmas morning i was sick and it is still sticking around. i wore myself down and it all caught up to me. it’s important to me that i don’t let it happen again – the holidays mean too much to me.
hence my absence here, on twitter, on facebook and in just about every aspect of my life. i caught some sort of christmas funk along with my cold. but! i think it left with half the snot in my head. i am feeling better and i have high hopes for 2k11. i’m excited to see what it will bring. i turn 30 (hold me). my best friend is getting married. blogher ’11 (squeeee!). mexico for our 5 year anniversary. nugget turns 3. all the awesomeness in between. i’m stoked.
i don’t do resolutions. i do however do goals. for example.
i want to get rid of like, half of our belongings. sure, these things may be boxes inhabiting the garage, spare room and under our stairs that are full of only things that belong to me, but still. i want to do a crazy spring (or late winter) cleaning and purge all my crap. i just don’t need it. we don’t need it. and it’s suffocating me. goodbye stuff!
i would like to eat more homemade mac and cheese.
i would like to get dressed at least 5 out of the 7 days of the week. in real people clothes. by a decent hour.
i would like to dye my hair a shade of red.
i would like to blog more. even if it’s about nothing (on my way!).
start and stick with a photo project.
possibly, maybe, start thinking about getting pregnant (CALM DOWN).
finally devise a plan to make a saddle for my french bulldog so my pug can ride her (if you’ve been reading for a bit, you know i’ve been working on this for a while).
meet even more of my bloggy friends at BH11, write better and more often and be a better commenter (i’m so sorry i suck at that).
find a narwhal, because obviously.
i hope you all had a great time ringing in the new year and have some awesome goals set for yourself in 2011. if you’re new around here, say hi! and i promise to be more entertaining soon. if you’re old around here, thanks as always for reading.
here’s to this year being totes…
Posted on | November 29, 2010 | 52 Comments
some days i wake up and know from the get go i’m going to be disappointed.
some days nothing particularly terrible happens, but i feel terrible nonetheless.
some days i feel like crying out of frustration but i can’t because someone else has it much worse than i do.
some days, my lists of lists of lists overwhelm me to the point where i want to kick the dog, throw a glass or just plain scream.
some days i feel as though my life would be easier if i could delete my entire email inbox and take a magical pill to make me not feel the buckling guilt from deleting said emails.
some days i want to shut down my blogs, curl up in the corner in the fetal position and rock back and forth like a loon – and then carry on with life as a non-blogger happily.
some days i feel like no matter what i do, everything is wrong to someone.
some days i feel as though i am failing my daughter, despite my greatest attempts not to.
some days i feel like i am disappointing everyone i care about.
most days i know that the previous two feelings are more about the pressures i put on myself and not on pressures the people i care about put on me.
some days i wonder what the hell i’m doing.
some days i wish computers and smart phones didn’t exist.
some days i need a break.
some days nothing can cheer me up, even if a few things make me smile.
some days the weight of life is too heavy and i have to pound out depressing blog posts like this so that i can get the crap out of my head and hope i’m not alone.
some days i want to go back to bed.
some days the clutter of my house makes me want to donate everything we own to goodwill and move to a tent on a beach and call it a day.
some days i don’t tell anyone how i’m feeling because someone will inevitably call me a complainer, worry about me, or stop talking to me altogether.
some days i just want to press pause to stop the madness or press fast forward to get the hell out.
today is one of those days.
Posted on | September 20, 2010 | 34 Comments
everyone says it. it’s so cliche it almost hurts.
the terrible twos.
when i was pregnant with Harper, the thought of having a two year old was laughable. it just…wasn’t on my radar. i thought it would take like, a million more years to get to 2. now that is laughable. two is here. it’s next month. i can’t stop time and it hurts, while simultaneously being kinda awesome, because this little person is so fun and funny and full of life and learning faster than i can keep up.
and after 2 comes 3. and three, i’ve been told by many a parent, is even worse than 2 (and even faster). and after 3 comes 4 and that is a real, certifiable KID, and i can’t have a KID. after that comes school….and OMG I NEED A PAPER BAG.
there are the things i absolutely adore about this age (really, each new phase and age is my favorite phase and age). like the way she has really found her independence in certain things, like playing. the way she lays down in the bath at the end so i can rinse her hair and she looks at me, smiling, mouth full of teeth, and says “mommy? mommyyyyy!” and laughs because it sounds funny with her ears under the water. the way she sits her little chair, eats her snack out of the cup and boogies along in her seat to the music on yo gabba gabba. if we sing the Dora song, and get to the “swiper no swiping!” part, the way she yells “AW MAAAN!”. the way she counts to 10, but says “ocho” at eight, but the rest in english. the way she just is. i’ve never met a kiddo like her. i know i’m her mom, but dudes? she is the freaking bees knees.
let’s not be silly here, though. she is a challenge. along with her free spirit and wacky-cool personality comes a challenging lack of patience, sassy attitude and the testing? oh the testing. there are days when i stop and realize i am being played by a toddler. and she is good. we are in for something special. and by special i mean send sedatives.
“eating is literally the worst! WHY do you make me do it evil woman! this cup is GREEN and i wanted pink! i will ruin you!“
my nerves and ability to keep calm are being challenged. i will be the first to admit there are times when H will be completely losing her mind over the most ridiculous, minute thing ever and i am left standing there, staring, unsure of where to even begin. she gets time outs (which i’m convinced she actually enjoys), she has rules, all that jazz. but regardless, you can’t tame an almost 2 year old. she understands a lot. but not enough. the reasoning isn’t there. she will still dive bomb off the couch, no matter how many times she’s done it and hurt herself (and for the record, it’s quite a few times).
many days, i have to consciously look at the world through her eyes in order to get it. maybe i can’t figure out exactly why she just acted like someone shot her dog because i put milk in the sippy cup instead of juice (WHEN SHE ASKED FOR MILK), but at least if i take the time to put myself in her frog boots (p.s. obsessed), i can lower my own blood pressure, too.
friends, this next phase is gonna be some work for me. bear with me as i might post about my frustrations, the trials and tribulations of being the proud owners of a 2 year old, and most likely begging PLEADING asking calmly for help. in fact, i already have a post brewing in which i will need suggestions.
thanks in advance. ::grabs tissues:: (and wine).
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