well that sucked.

Posted on | September 4, 2010 | 76 Comments

it has been a very trying couple of days.

wednesday morning, Harper woke up crying. usually she wakes up and starts talking to herself or her stuffed animals, and eventually calls out for me. i heard her crying and immediately knew something wasn’t right. i heard a slightly abnormal noise on her intake and when i picked her up, her skin was on fire. she cried for almost an hour, an hour in which i tried to take her temp and failed (the perfect time for the thermometer to die – GRR), gave her a dose of motrin and called Scot to tell him something was not right. she was still crying when he arrived home.

by the time we were able to get to our pedi, the motrin had kicked in and she was smiling. her temp was down to normal and i sat in the office feeling like the crazy hypocondriac mom as our doctor told us she probably just had a virus, her lungs and ears were clear and that really, nothing was terribly wrong with her. yet. of course they said to call if her symptoms worsened, which my instincts told me they would. despite her happy disposition and perfect temp at the dr (seriously, is it just my child that pulls this?), i knew something was off.

by the evening she had unquestionable croup. her breathing was so loud, she was barking like a seal with each cough and was downright miserable. we treated her symptoms as best we could throughout the night (which. was. terrible.) and i called the office first thing. they said to come in immediately. i took my exhausted self and my exhausted child and headed to the pedi. again.

as soon as the receptionist saw her (and mostly, heard her), she called the nurse out. within seconds we were rushed back to the room i had never seen, the one where all the emergency things were kept (icky) and H was swarmed by 3 nurses and another pedi. they immediately got her an ephedrine nebulizer mask and started getting vitals. i figured we’d get her some steroids (the most common treatment for croup – helps unswell the vocal cords) and be on our way. i quickly realized this wouldn’t be the case.

to spare you all the details (especially of how scared i was), she was given steroids and observed by our pedi for about an hour. she wasn’t pleased at all with her reaction to them (the treatments only helped her breathing for about a half an hour, then back to the stridor and horrible retraction – even the skin between her little ribs sucked far in while she tried to breathe) and decided we needed to go to Mary Bridge Childrens hospital.

the three of us were at the hospital for 24 hours, in which they observed her to make sure she wouldn’t need to be intubated, and to be sure the steroids started working. they wanted her stridor to get better and retraction to go away before they’d let her go home, as well as start eating and drinking, which she was refusing to do at home. our time was spent trying to get her to drink to avoid an IV (we succeeded) and attempting to make her less terrified (we failed). since she was a high threat as far as spreading her virus, everyone who entered the room had to wear a mask and gown and she was completely beyond freaked out by that. it was terrible. the tiny gown she had to wear was terrible. listening to her try to breathe was terrible. it was scary and sad and completely heartbreaking. i hated every second of it.

by 11am the next morning, the team of doctors decided she was well enough to leave and we are now all at home enjoying our own beds and no nurses coming in to check her vitals riiiiiiight as she falls asleep. no more tubes, loud machines that beep, no more glow toe. they took very good care of Harper and we are very grateful, but we are so damn glad to be out of there. in fact, the only good thing about being there was knowing if anything happened, she would be taken care of. at home i felt anxious and scared with every breath she tried to take. there, we had people who could fix her. it was strangely comforting being in the hospital. comforting, but not comfortable.

being the random little nugget she is, she became obsessed with the tiny hospital socks they provided. you know, the kind with the grippies on the bottom? oh my word. she absolutely lost her mind if one came off. she’d wake from a dead sleep if one slipped off yelling “SOCKS!” with her sad, raspy little voice. the nurses gave us extra pairs to take home because homegirl is in love. what a little weirdo.

Scot spent every single second of those 24 hours in the room. i left to get us coffee, go home and get contact solution and a change of clothes, head to the family kitchen for more juice and graham crackers and the playroom for more toys (she wasn’t allowed to leave the room at all). but he never moved from that space. bless his heart.

the little monster is doing much better today. her symptoms at this point are more cold-like, and her breathing is much better. we hope to have her back to normal in a few days. she is eating and drinking, and even causing a little mischief, which shows us she is on the mend. the thing i really learned was to trust my mama instincts. i knew in my gut something was really wrong, even if she was perfectly fine at the doctor on that first day.

i want to thank everyone for all the amazing support and well wishes. my twitter, facebook, email and texts were constantly glowing with messages from all of you and for that i am eternally grateful. it made a really scary situation a little better knowing how many people were praying and sending healthy vibes to Harper. thank you. thank you so much. once again, the blogging community blows my mind.

how am i going to do this?

Posted on | July 29, 2010 | 43 Comments

ok. this isn’t another blogher post. i mean, not in the way that it’s about blogher. but it is about me leaving for blogher. we’ve covered the fact that i’m afraid of flying. we’ve covered the fact that i’m nervous to meet people. but the thing i just can’t fathom doing? the thing that makes my stomach lurch and my mouth water (you know how right before you throw up you get all saliva-y? THAT) is leaving my little monster.

every saturday we drop Harper off at my moms house in the evening and pick her up the next day. this is easy for me. we’ve been doing it for so long that it’s not hard for me anymore. i still think of my nugget, miss her and get super excited to pick her up, but it’s not hard. she is never further than 10 minutes away. thinking of being on the other side of the country for 6 days without her? is hard. the thought of it makes my heart hurt in a way i can’t explain.

the most obvious fact of me being a stay at home mom is that i am with H all. the. time. even though when Scot gets home we share the parenting responsibilities equally, i am with her 24/6 (’cause you know, that time at GG’s). she is my nugget, my best buddy, my right hand gal. i know her better than anybody and it’s safe to say if she could talk, she’d be able to telly you things about me even Scot doesn’t know (like how i sometimes steal morningstar chicken nuggets off her plate if she isn’t going to eat them). i have no problem saying that being Harper’s mom defines me. i am many other things, but her mom? is my thing. i love it more than anything and it’s been 20 months and counting that i really haven’t been anything else. i’m not sure i know how to go to the big city and not be her mom (obviously i will still be her mom, but you get me. at least i hope). will i be ok without her taking up room in my arms, without kissing her fat cheeks each night, without talking in my mom voice all day? will i be ok gallivanting around with my hair done, make up on and no sign of mushed crackers on any article of my clothing? will i be ok not having a single sippy cup, pack of wipes or binky on my person at all times?

will i be ok?

it goes without saying that she will be fine. she may not really even understand i’m gone. maybe she will, but most likely she won’t. she will be having so much fun with her daddy, and her grandmas, that she may not even notice her mommy is MIA. i’m not worried about her. i’m worried how i am going to kiss her goodbye, walk to the plane and voluntarily fly away from her and Scot.

as the day gets closer (hello, ONE week), i find myself getting worse and worse. tearing up, feeling sick to my tummy – please tell me this is normal? at least normal for a first time mom leaving her first born for the first time ever? i asked Harper and she was helpful, but i need reassurance from people who don’t poop in their pants.

please click to vote for us. you have to be feeling sorry for me by now right? people *always* feel sorry for the crazy lady.

mommy.

Posted on | July 13, 2010 | 26 Comments

one would think carrying around a baby in ones uterus, birthing said baby (with help from a little friend called mr. epi) and then raising said baby for a fairly good amount of time would make one feel like a mom. that one wouldn’t be surprised anymore when they catch a glimpse of themselves carrying a small child in their arms in a passing window. that cleaning every imaginable fluid from every imaginable place on your body/their body/parts of your home for the past say, 20 months of your life, would make you feel like a MOM.

not me.

sure i knew i was a mom (i’m not an idiot), i do mom stuff all day (literally). i knew i was a mom the second i saw the 2 pink lines (or shall we say 6 – you can’t just take one test – it’s a physical impossibility). i knew i was a mom as i carried Harper, felt her kick and then keep kicking…and kicking…until i thought she was going to chuck norris right out of my belly button. i knew i was a mom when my doctor (who’s uncanny resemblance to dr. drew WAS SERIOUSLY A PROBLEM FOR ME, because SA-WOON) laid her on my chest looking at me to be the person who takes care of her and helps her be all person-like from now until she decides she hates me.

but you guys? i never felt like a mom until she started calling me Mommy.

for a while there, i thought it would never happen. as a baby, she never really did the whole “mama” thing, and i felt super sad when i’d read that other babies were calling their mamas by name. i told myself it would happen someday, but it still stung. she learned early on who daddy was and how to say it (i know most kids learn that first, so again i told myself to be patient). i would sit and smile when Scot came through the door and H ran to him screaming a perfect “DA-DEE!”. even when i would point to myself and ask “who am i?” she would reply “daddy. baby. ruff ruff.”. i was starting to get so upset that i almost blogged about how even though i raise this child all day long, play with her, FEED HER, change her diaper, sing her songs and pretty much keep her alive in all ways – she had no clue who i was.

(i can be dramatic, no?)

the past few months, she has called me daddy, GG (my mom), and bobbi (scot’s mom). it was a mix of happiness that she knew who the other important people in her life were, and giving me a complex about my importance in her life. she can say over 75 words but not know who wipes her buttcheeks and loves her to the moon and back like at least, six hundred and twelve times? i had a sad.

but now? she finally has it. MOMMY. she YELLS it when i walk into a room and i can honestly say there has never been a sweeter sound in my ear. it took 10 month of pregnancy, 20 months of sleepless nights, spit up, rocking, crying, snuggles, a few fevers, skinned knees, bathtimes, kisses, blow outs, tantrums, packing of old baby clothes and dancing like a maniac to make a tiny human giggle, but finally i feel it.

i’m a mom.

number 3 is so close i can taste it. and it tastes like unicorn. please click to vote for us if you have enjoyed your time here. i heard everytime we get a click, a narwhal gets it’s horn. do it for the narwhals, people.

summer solstice my rear end.

Posted on | June 21, 2010 | 25 Comments

monday again? well at least this monday i’m not hugging a toilet bowl for dear life, so i guess i have that going for me.

i have sure been in a funk the last couple of days though. i fully blame the weather, who has decided that summer is unnecessary for people in the pacific northwest. yesterday was 53 and rainy and it made me want to get stabby on a weatherman. i suppose it isn’t their fault…but i need someone to take it out on, why not the people who deliver me the bad news?

today is the first day of summer. my fun family summer list hangs in the kitchen, mocking me, not a single task checked off. a bunch of things i desperately want to go see and do and enjoy with my family, alas it rains. i know what you’re probably thinking – um, hello you live in the SEATTLE area. but for those of you who haven’t had the privilege of living in or visiting the NW, our summers are THE reason we don’t all run screaming to california. our (usually) june through late september weather is gorgeous, perfect and makes us forget the fact that we need special fake windows for our seasonal depression (literally thinking i need one soon). the problem with me and rain is that it makes me legitimately angry. getting rained on, getting my feet wet, my hair wet – all bad. all very, very bad. i can deal during the months in which it is supposed to rain, but once june hits – NO.

last summer we spent every weekend in the kiddie pool, grilled corn and burgers, sipped lemonade and got our daily dose of vitamin d, starting before memorial day weekend. here we are the end of june and all we have to show for “summer” is last weekend. last year around this time, this was happening:

this year i’m wearing a cardigan, SOCKS, and the heat in our downstairs is on. last night we arrived home to our neighbor burning a fire in her fireplace. H is wearing her jammies from christmas time (yes, she still fits in them and they are long sleeved with pants, perfect for you know WINTER WEATHER). there is so many things wrong with this picture. instead of being outside at the park or the zoo or the beach, we are stuck inside.

see how weird it makes us?

post summary: i have anger issues re: weather.

ooh! so Top Baby Blogs has reset it’s numbers again. i’d love to stay at least on the first page because of all the awesome readers this site has brought me. some of my favorite blogs and blog friends are people i’ve met through TBB. all it takes to vote for The Haps is 2 clicks, and you can vote daily. whilst you’re there, check out all the other rad blogs on the list! all kinds of super fun, cute sites with great writers and great stories to read. just click below to vote for us! and of course, thanks :]