I can’t be the only person who feels like it was JUST the beginning of the year and now suddenly it’s half way through May? It’s very scary. Mostly because I’m not ready for legitimately anything coming up in our lives soon (oh a baby is going to exit my nether regions in 3 months? Do we need stuff for that?) and also because the child pictured above is all big and reading words and writing words and making jokes that are ridiculous and stuff.

When you have a toddler that turns into a kid, you kind of turn around and notice that well, we aren’t just dealing with a little person who needs some direction and is happy with just a park visit and some squeezy pouches of pureed food anymore. You have a KID who has struggles in school, needs constant stimulation and re-direction and all of that stuff and it’s super important to address because they are a legit person doing legit things now. We’ve been in this transition for a long time now. We have a 4 year old who is going into pre-K and needs to be ready for real school in a year. Academically, she’s money. Emotionally, well that’s a work in progress (forever and ever amen with kids, right?). This little lady of ours has spunk. We’ve always known that. She’s fucking fabulous, to put it lightly, and is easily the coolest person I know. With all that fabulousness comes it’s challenges. Homegirl feels all the feels. It’s all good, and it will be all good. It just takes a lot of work on our part, on her part, and well, that leaves me less time to be hanging around here being silly.

Then we have that guy making pee in my uterus (seriously thank you for the updates baby center – cannot unsee things like this). Pregnancy is cool but god is it also gross. Second time around seems to be more-so, at least for me. Not sure if it’s the boy hormones or just second time syndrome but I’m not sure I have ever felt so large and icky. I mean, I’ve accepted it you know? It just doesn’t make me hop out of bed in the morning and be like LET’S TAKE PHOTOS OF ME! In fact it’s quite the opposite. I’m pregnant in my upper arms, thighs and neck as well. But what can you do? You can cry and bitch on your blog about it, that’s what. TADA!

Her face about sums up how I feel these days.

In FANTASTIC news, our March of Dimes walk is on Saturday and we met and exceeded our team goal. I can’t say thank you enough to all of you who have generously donated – I really am blown away each and every time a new donation comes in. It means SO much to me that so many of you have helped and I’m excited to see where we are at next week and draw the winners of the raffle. If you haven’t donated/entered and would like to possibly win cool stuff while helping babies, click here. Seriously, so warm and fuzzy feeling over here.

Officially 3rd trimester today.

Tons of amazing people have donated prizes to help me get as much money for MoD as possible. If you’ve already donated to my goal (THANK YOU!), you’re already entered! If you haven’t, now is the time. For every $5 you donate you get one entry into this raffle full of awesome prizes. First I’ll show you what’s up for grabs. Shall we?

1. Ergo carrier in Mystic Purple (purple because it’s MoD’s color!) – a $115 value.  2. Onesie of the Month Club from Spunky Stork! – a $250 value. 3. $50 to spend as you please at Little Hip Squeaks! 4. $50 to spend at Ruche!

5. Narwhal cozy for your iPad, Kindle, tablet, etc. from Life Geekery (I just die) – $27 value. 6. One mask of your choice from Opposite of Far! 7. $30 shop credit to Yarn Bombed Antlers! 8. Your choice of sling from Umi Sling – $55 value.

9. Sterling Silver City and State necklace of your choice from GlassCast – a $45 value. 10. “You are my favorite adventure” 8×10 print from Nole & Paper – $20 value. 11. Custom infant/toddler crocheted narwhal hat (!) from Jess Judkins. 12. $25 to spend at Quarter Life Luck!

13. Vintage Double Drop Earrings from elladolce! 14. Robins egg blue cowl from Sarahnade shop! 15. 5 winners will get a block set (boy, girl, baby) from Littlest Lulu! 16. A one year subscription to the Monthly Spread from ARMOMMY!

17. $30 to spend at Peach State Yarnworks! 18. Gift pack (Betsy Johnson necklace, vintage brass owl trio and $25 shop credit) from Stars Appearing! 19. An instant Raggedy Ann and Andy nursery (Lamp, mobile, wall art, crib quilt and chalk ware figure – so cuuute!) from Lishyloo Vintage! 20. $20 to spend as you please at Up a Tree Cup of Tea!

21. 5 winners will each win a Bullshit stamp from Future Primitive (love these so much).  22. A mother/daughter set of boot socks from Burke & Louise Co.  23. Custom drawing from Peanut Gallery Prints – $50 value. 24. All Four Seasons infinity scarf from Teeny Tiny Bows – $26 value. 25. A gift pack of Petite Posters and cards from Type A Calligraphy – $42 value.

Your donation, no matter the amount, funds important research and programs that help babies begin their lives healthy. If you spend much time on blogs it’s probable you’ve come across someone who has been able to use the help of the March of Dimes. It’s a cause I really believe in and I can’t thank those of you who donate enough. In the 4 years I’ve walked I’ve been blown away by the support of my team members and readers who donate. I’d like to thank all of you in advance, as well as the lovely people linked above who have donated their time and creativity to help me raise even more for babies. It means so much, thank you all.

Entering is easy! Every $5 you donate (directly to March of Dimes) is one entry in this raffle. You donate $20, your name is in the “hat” (aka, my spreadsheet of awesome) 4 times. Simply click here, donate (credit/debit and PayPal are available) and you’re in. Again, if you’ve already donated via my link, you’re already entered. I have 19 days to raise another 19 days to raise $700 to reach my personal goal of $1000. Many of you helped me get to my goal and surpass it last year, so I know I can count on you. It’s the price of many peoples daily coffee fix. I’d love it if you’d consider putting it here instead today.

I’ll draw winners after my walk on May 18th to give maximum fundraising time. Please spread the word – these prizes are so great, amirite?

THANK YOU. SO MUCH.

But then the three of us plus a brother inside my belly are in her bed and the worst is over and we read some stories. And while Scot reads and she listens intently, I stare at her. As I brush her hair away from her face things are calm and I can reconcile the day. Although I am exhausted, tired of hearing my own voice, and but minutes before felt like I couldn’t do this for one more moment – I begin to miss her. She’s sitting right in front of me but soon I’ll be out there and she’ll be in here sleeping and we won’t be together. And I glance down at my belly and I think of how he’s in there but soon he’ll be out here and we won’t be together. And today, just like yesterday and all the ones before it, is the only today I had with her like that and him like this.

I try not to beat myself up about that. Because every day can’t be amazing, it never will be. I rub her back and I think of the good stuff and I bring those things up so we can laugh about them before I leave her. Please don’t hold the lows against me, I think. And as I fall to sleep, or sometimes lie awake mentally kicking myself, depending on the day, I vow to make tomorrow full of more highs than lows. Even on the high days I have to vow that. Because let’s be honest, each and every day with small people are crap shoots. Sometimes your mental state doesn’t matter. Sometimes they have other ideas and you just have to get through that day as best as you can because as I remind myself numerous times a day, it actually IS hard to be four. And three and two and six and twelve and thirty two.

She is so lovely. Her hair is so long and I look at it and can’t believe how long it’s been growing and how the tips have been there since the beginning and I can’t believe I made her with my body. And she sits there sounding out words in books and making us laugh at her jokes, scrapes and bruises on her knees, faded temporary bunny tattoo on her arm, some paint streaks on the side of her hand because well, there was no bath tonight. I try to memorize these things. They are important. They are her. Soon she will stop falling or bumping her knees randomly, take showers, not need us for things. It will be a while but at the same time it won’t. So I stare, and file those things away because really, it’s almost over.

She is 4 years, 5 months and 10 days old today, for the first and last time.

I’ve also officially gained all the weight I didn’t in the first trimester. Plus some. And my boobs – horrific. I know every pregnancy is different and blah blah but this one is SO DIFFERENT! Here is me on Sunday wearing leggings as pants because that is just what needs to happen sometimes. Scot took me to the mall so I could get some appropriate clothes after this because emotional breakdown on my part. Thanks for all the suggestions last week – I ordered a few maxi dresses and bought some new leggings, long tees and tanks to get me through for a while. I have accepted the fact that this time around, I’m just going to get large, fast and try to embrace it instead of fight it. My body is doing a cool thing so I’ll give ‘er a break and worry about it later. It doesn’t mean I won’t cry about it, but hormones, what can you do?

I found H a new book about being a big sister at Goodwill. The girl in it even has a stuffed bunny just like her! Fate. H gives my belly a kiss every day and talks a lot about things she’s going to teach the baby when he gets here. The other day she told me, “I’m going to throw the baby up in the air and catch him!”, so we had a talk about floppy necks and such. And we’ll have it again because omg, horrifying.